Dear God,
People ask me why I am angry at you. They assume that I have left frumkeit because I must be angry with you.
I'm not.
I am so filled with anger and hate towards people though. I hate your creations. I hate people. I hate everyone.
I am not angry with you, except for one thing. You took my Boat from me. The one person who understood a little of what I was going through.
Scott said that he didn't want to leave, but that it was just his time to go. I asked him, was that really Boat under that mound of dirt. He said no, that Boat had already left... but seeing his name by the grave, was so odd. And, it's even stranger not seeing him outside. You took from me everything else. I have nothing left. My friends, family, house, job, and even my health. All gone. For that, I'm not angry. But for my Boat? A barnacle will die without its boat. So where do I go from here?
I feel so alone, as though drifting. I have no idea what to do next? Betrayal does not seem to come close to the emotions I feel. The little girl is angry because her beloved cats will not come with us when we move. I am sad because I had to hurt the little ones again. I don't know what, or where, or when the next sad move will take place. What else will these children have to lose?
Will it be me? The mini stroke was a sign. I know. But I don't know when my own death will come, though I am sure it will be sooner rather than later. I should be preparing, though I don't even know where to begin. So, I continue to move on.
The goal was to live to see forty. Will I make that goal? Boat had promised me another 28 years. He could never have known that was not going to happen. I guess none of us do.
