Dear Boat,
I thought about you a lot today. You would be pleased with where I am in my life. I have had my dream come true and Obie and I are finally together. You cannot imagine Boat, when you died, that I ever thought I would be this happy and this complete.
I asked Obie if I should delete this blog, but he suggested that I leave it be, in case someone else who is in my position finds it and gets some strength from it. The past five years have been damn near impossible, and the things that I have had to do...
I said good bye one final time to my family today. When I was back there last week, well, needless to say that it's become apparently obvious that I am not welcome there anymore. I texted with R, and mentioned that I felt bad because she shouldn't have to fight a losing battle on my behalf.
I hurt, I feel sad that no one bothered to hear my story. It's always easier to blame the victim than to accept that there was an error in behavior. As I said to R today, pride and ego are terrible things.
I don't know that I will be able to go back there alone. It's too hard, and it takes me weeks to recover. My blood work did not come back great, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my health for someone else's stupidity. Two parties have to be willing to fix something this broken, and they aren't willing.
Obie makes me happy Boat... he listens and encourages, and kicks my ass when I need it. And, you always knew how I felt about him. Being able to have him in my life reminds me of how blessed I am.
I miss you boat, I'm coming up on three years without you, but I know you're in a better place, and honestly, so am I.
Wednesday
Moving on... (2013)
Dear Family (former family?)
I've decided to move on. It's an interesting concept, but the fact is that I am not going to run and I'm certainly not going to hide. I'm going to live my life as I so choose. I will raise my children as I so choose, and aside from the legalities of what the court dictates, I am going to do what I have to do to make sure that they are comfortable and safe, but I am not going to push a religious life down their throats.
It's just not right. I am going to lose my house, since I did not get the job I should have gotten, and I did not get the job that I should have gotten because the G1 made sure that my professional life and career would be ruined when he named my company as a third part defendant in the divorce. Exactly what the point of that was, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't know that I've ever felt as sad, and angry and hurt as I do now. And, to be honest, I don't know what else to do, or where else to turn.
I can forgive, but forgetting is not part of the package.
I've decided to move on. It's an interesting concept, but the fact is that I am not going to run and I'm certainly not going to hide. I'm going to live my life as I so choose. I will raise my children as I so choose, and aside from the legalities of what the court dictates, I am going to do what I have to do to make sure that they are comfortable and safe, but I am not going to push a religious life down their throats.
It's just not right. I am going to lose my house, since I did not get the job I should have gotten, and I did not get the job that I should have gotten because the G1 made sure that my professional life and career would be ruined when he named my company as a third part defendant in the divorce. Exactly what the point of that was, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't know that I've ever felt as sad, and angry and hurt as I do now. And, to be honest, I don't know what else to do, or where else to turn.
I can forgive, but forgetting is not part of the package.
Dear N1 (from 2011)
Dear N1,
I guess you're N1 now, since the other N, was born second... confusing. I saw you at the gas station the other day. I didn't have to go back in, but I used going in to buy a soda as an excuse to say hello. You probably don't realize the sheer amount of courage it took for me to just walk up to you and say hello. Actually, you're so blindsided by that asshole wife and idiot friends of yours, you probably don't realize a lot of things.
Regardless...
It did take a lot of courage for me to go into the gas station and say hello to you. You looked through me. I asked you, Don't I even get a hello?, And your response of "nope" was beyond painful.
One thing I always found amazing about the family was how strangers were always treated far better than the actual family. It's one of the reasons that I want to stay on the outside. Something I don't think that you will ever understand. After all, you are coddled. No one will ever treat you, a male, a "police officer" an anything, like I was treated. But I will succeed, and in the ultimate end, you will not.
The only thing that hurts me, that I find beyond and exceptionally painful, is that you have children that I do not know.. and that will only know me from what your "wife" will have told them about me. Which is probably so far from the truth, that there will be no actual truth within the kernels.
Know...I do miss you. I miss all the brothers.. and I find what is happening very very painful. I do cry you know.. although I doubt you care. And, I do know that I will continue to pay the price for all the sins of the family, even though they are to blame.
I guess you're N1 now, since the other N, was born second... confusing. I saw you at the gas station the other day. I didn't have to go back in, but I used going in to buy a soda as an excuse to say hello. You probably don't realize the sheer amount of courage it took for me to just walk up to you and say hello. Actually, you're so blindsided by that asshole wife and idiot friends of yours, you probably don't realize a lot of things.
Regardless...
It did take a lot of courage for me to go into the gas station and say hello to you. You looked through me. I asked you, Don't I even get a hello?, And your response of "nope" was beyond painful.
One thing I always found amazing about the family was how strangers were always treated far better than the actual family. It's one of the reasons that I want to stay on the outside. Something I don't think that you will ever understand. After all, you are coddled. No one will ever treat you, a male, a "police officer" an anything, like I was treated. But I will succeed, and in the ultimate end, you will not.
The only thing that hurts me, that I find beyond and exceptionally painful, is that you have children that I do not know.. and that will only know me from what your "wife" will have told them about me. Which is probably so far from the truth, that there will be no actual truth within the kernels.
Know...I do miss you. I miss all the brothers.. and I find what is happening very very painful. I do cry you know.. although I doubt you care. And, I do know that I will continue to pay the price for all the sins of the family, even though they are to blame.
Dear Family,
This is going to be a short letter. In the past five years I've done things that I'm not proud of, and would have happily blamed on you, but for one individual.
I had always taken pride in your name, in who we were as a family. No longer.
Now, I behave a way or commit an action so that I can look at MYSELF in the mirror, not YOU face to face.
Have a nice life. I am not going to continue this blog on a regular basis...
Me.
This is going to be a short letter. In the past five years I've done things that I'm not proud of, and would have happily blamed on you, but for one individual.
I had always taken pride in your name, in who we were as a family. No longer.
Now, I behave a way or commit an action so that I can look at MYSELF in the mirror, not YOU face to face.
Have a nice life. I am not going to continue this blog on a regular basis...
Me.
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