Dear Boat,
I thought about you a lot today. You would be pleased with where I am in my life. I have had my dream come true and Obie and I are finally together. You cannot imagine Boat, when you died, that I ever thought I would be this happy and this complete.
I asked Obie if I should delete this blog, but he suggested that I leave it be, in case someone else who is in my position finds it and gets some strength from it. The past five years have been damn near impossible, and the things that I have had to do...
I said good bye one final time to my family today. When I was back there last week, well, needless to say that it's become apparently obvious that I am not welcome there anymore. I texted with R, and mentioned that I felt bad because she shouldn't have to fight a losing battle on my behalf.
I hurt, I feel sad that no one bothered to hear my story. It's always easier to blame the victim than to accept that there was an error in behavior. As I said to R today, pride and ego are terrible things.
I don't know that I will be able to go back there alone. It's too hard, and it takes me weeks to recover. My blood work did not come back great, and I'm not willing to sacrifice my health for someone else's stupidity. Two parties have to be willing to fix something this broken, and they aren't willing.
Obie makes me happy Boat... he listens and encourages, and kicks my ass when I need it. And, you always knew how I felt about him. Being able to have him in my life reminds me of how blessed I am.
I miss you boat, I'm coming up on three years without you, but I know you're in a better place, and honestly, so am I.
Wednesday
Moving on... (2013)
Dear Family (former family?)
I've decided to move on. It's an interesting concept, but the fact is that I am not going to run and I'm certainly not going to hide. I'm going to live my life as I so choose. I will raise my children as I so choose, and aside from the legalities of what the court dictates, I am going to do what I have to do to make sure that they are comfortable and safe, but I am not going to push a religious life down their throats.
It's just not right. I am going to lose my house, since I did not get the job I should have gotten, and I did not get the job that I should have gotten because the G1 made sure that my professional life and career would be ruined when he named my company as a third part defendant in the divorce. Exactly what the point of that was, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't know that I've ever felt as sad, and angry and hurt as I do now. And, to be honest, I don't know what else to do, or where else to turn.
I can forgive, but forgetting is not part of the package.
I've decided to move on. It's an interesting concept, but the fact is that I am not going to run and I'm certainly not going to hide. I'm going to live my life as I so choose. I will raise my children as I so choose, and aside from the legalities of what the court dictates, I am going to do what I have to do to make sure that they are comfortable and safe, but I am not going to push a religious life down their throats.
It's just not right. I am going to lose my house, since I did not get the job I should have gotten, and I did not get the job that I should have gotten because the G1 made sure that my professional life and career would be ruined when he named my company as a third part defendant in the divorce. Exactly what the point of that was, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't know that I've ever felt as sad, and angry and hurt as I do now. And, to be honest, I don't know what else to do, or where else to turn.
I can forgive, but forgetting is not part of the package.
Dear N1 (from 2011)
Dear N1,
I guess you're N1 now, since the other N, was born second... confusing. I saw you at the gas station the other day. I didn't have to go back in, but I used going in to buy a soda as an excuse to say hello. You probably don't realize the sheer amount of courage it took for me to just walk up to you and say hello. Actually, you're so blindsided by that asshole wife and idiot friends of yours, you probably don't realize a lot of things.
Regardless...
It did take a lot of courage for me to go into the gas station and say hello to you. You looked through me. I asked you, Don't I even get a hello?, And your response of "nope" was beyond painful.
One thing I always found amazing about the family was how strangers were always treated far better than the actual family. It's one of the reasons that I want to stay on the outside. Something I don't think that you will ever understand. After all, you are coddled. No one will ever treat you, a male, a "police officer" an anything, like I was treated. But I will succeed, and in the ultimate end, you will not.
The only thing that hurts me, that I find beyond and exceptionally painful, is that you have children that I do not know.. and that will only know me from what your "wife" will have told them about me. Which is probably so far from the truth, that there will be no actual truth within the kernels.
Know...I do miss you. I miss all the brothers.. and I find what is happening very very painful. I do cry you know.. although I doubt you care. And, I do know that I will continue to pay the price for all the sins of the family, even though they are to blame.
I guess you're N1 now, since the other N, was born second... confusing. I saw you at the gas station the other day. I didn't have to go back in, but I used going in to buy a soda as an excuse to say hello. You probably don't realize the sheer amount of courage it took for me to just walk up to you and say hello. Actually, you're so blindsided by that asshole wife and idiot friends of yours, you probably don't realize a lot of things.
Regardless...
It did take a lot of courage for me to go into the gas station and say hello to you. You looked through me. I asked you, Don't I even get a hello?, And your response of "nope" was beyond painful.
One thing I always found amazing about the family was how strangers were always treated far better than the actual family. It's one of the reasons that I want to stay on the outside. Something I don't think that you will ever understand. After all, you are coddled. No one will ever treat you, a male, a "police officer" an anything, like I was treated. But I will succeed, and in the ultimate end, you will not.
The only thing that hurts me, that I find beyond and exceptionally painful, is that you have children that I do not know.. and that will only know me from what your "wife" will have told them about me. Which is probably so far from the truth, that there will be no actual truth within the kernels.
Know...I do miss you. I miss all the brothers.. and I find what is happening very very painful. I do cry you know.. although I doubt you care. And, I do know that I will continue to pay the price for all the sins of the family, even though they are to blame.
Dear Family,
This is going to be a short letter. In the past five years I've done things that I'm not proud of, and would have happily blamed on you, but for one individual.
I had always taken pride in your name, in who we were as a family. No longer.
Now, I behave a way or commit an action so that I can look at MYSELF in the mirror, not YOU face to face.
Have a nice life. I am not going to continue this blog on a regular basis...
Me.
This is going to be a short letter. In the past five years I've done things that I'm not proud of, and would have happily blamed on you, but for one individual.
I had always taken pride in your name, in who we were as a family. No longer.
Now, I behave a way or commit an action so that I can look at MYSELF in the mirror, not YOU face to face.
Have a nice life. I am not going to continue this blog on a regular basis...
Me.
Saturday
Dear Boat...on the anniversary of your passing...
Dear Boat,
Two years ago today, you left me... Two years ago, I had a life, a job, a home... now I have nothing. I'm not angry anymore, and when I think about you, I smile more often than I cry. Life has continued without you in it, although the thought of that is still sometimes painful to me.
YM is doing better, thank you for your intervention with God. I emailed my mother on Mother's day, even though everyone forgot me. She responded, it was... kind of nice? I still miss the family, and probably always will, but I don't miss them attempting to run and ruin my life.
I hope that you are ok, wherever you are, and I will probably stop writing as often... I have to move on with my life. P is going to help me find a new place to live, and I am going to attempt to hire someone who will pack me up and move me.
I will always love and miss you.
Barn
Two years ago today, you left me... Two years ago, I had a life, a job, a home... now I have nothing. I'm not angry anymore, and when I think about you, I smile more often than I cry. Life has continued without you in it, although the thought of that is still sometimes painful to me.
YM is doing better, thank you for your intervention with God. I emailed my mother on Mother's day, even though everyone forgot me. She responded, it was... kind of nice? I still miss the family, and probably always will, but I don't miss them attempting to run and ruin my life.
I hope that you are ok, wherever you are, and I will probably stop writing as often... I have to move on with my life. P is going to help me find a new place to live, and I am going to attempt to hire someone who will pack me up and move me.
I will always love and miss you.
Barn
Tuesday
Dear Boat,
Dear Boat,
You would be so disappointed in me. I received a non renewal lease notice from the management company, and they turned off my electricity, so I am essentially homeless. I have been staying with S for the time being, and looking for someplace to new live. The last two years have been so surreal. I almost feel like I'm in limbo, as in, one of Dante Inferno's pre hell levels. Well, if this is pre hell, I would hate to know what hell itself is actually going to be like. I'm sure it won't be too long before I find out.
I started smoking, too... not consistently, just here and there. I find that it relaxes me. How stupid is that? You died from cancer and I'm smoking. But, it's too damned hard. Life, I mean; See in general, I just feel like I have no one, and my life is falling apart. And Boat, your YM is so sick... she needs to know you're there for her too. At 16 she shouldn't have to go through what she's going through. The whole community is praying for her, but it's not quite enough I don't think.. and L has been through enough, having lost you... I know that I lost you too, but I'm not really allowed to feel that way, because even though you said you would always love me, you weren't really mine...
You had so much faith in me... I wish I could have some in myself now. But I don't.
You would be so disappointed in me. I received a non renewal lease notice from the management company, and they turned off my electricity, so I am essentially homeless. I have been staying with S for the time being, and looking for someplace to new live. The last two years have been so surreal. I almost feel like I'm in limbo, as in, one of Dante Inferno's pre hell levels. Well, if this is pre hell, I would hate to know what hell itself is actually going to be like. I'm sure it won't be too long before I find out.
I started smoking, too... not consistently, just here and there. I find that it relaxes me. How stupid is that? You died from cancer and I'm smoking. But, it's too damned hard. Life, I mean; See in general, I just feel like I have no one, and my life is falling apart. And Boat, your YM is so sick... she needs to know you're there for her too. At 16 she shouldn't have to go through what she's going through. The whole community is praying for her, but it's not quite enough I don't think.. and L has been through enough, having lost you... I know that I lost you too, but I'm not really allowed to feel that way, because even though you said you would always love me, you weren't really mine...
You had so much faith in me... I wish I could have some in myself now. But I don't.
Monday
Dear...
I wanted to write this as a dear family post... but, I don't have a family anymore.
It's been a year since I've last posted. I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing. I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.
I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family. Did I ever mean anything to you? Was I ever really a child? A daughter?
It's a complex question. The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember. And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew. And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.
How does a family do something like this to one another? Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash. They took G1 in and treated him like gold. He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.
How does a family allow something like that to occur?
Even more so, how do I live now?
It's been a year since I've last posted. I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing. I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.
I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family. Did I ever mean anything to you? Was I ever really a child? A daughter?
It's a complex question. The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember. And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew. And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.
How does a family do something like this to one another? Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash. They took G1 in and treated him like gold. He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.
How does a family allow something like that to occur?
Even more so, how do I live now?
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