Dear Boat,
If I knew how much pain this would be, I don't know that I would have started this in the first place. You hurt so badly... I know you aren't going to tell me what is going on. I know your children are coming in. I know that you are going to die. I know that you are going to be in hospice if you aren't already.
You have gotten me through so much. You have gotten me through finding myself, and have been there for me with Smcs even though it pained you so much because of how you felt about me, and at great cost to yourself. I have no way of ever repaying you, and I don't know how you could have done that, because I am selfish and I don't know if I could have done what you did.
I don't think I will have closure, I will hurt, and my heart will break and a piece of me will remain broken and you will not be here to fix it and I will have to fix it on my own and I don't know if I can.
I remember when you first got sick and you didn't want to tell me. And then, it was necrosis, and the cancer was gone, and then, when you told me, I cried, because I really thought it was gone, but there was a part of me that knew it wasn't and that you were fooling yourself. And I told you then, that you were ok, and that it was ok.
I told the little girl today. She wants to pray and asked if god would listen to her prayers, and make you better. I told her that she could pray, but that you were still going to die.
I am so sad, and so angry and so hurting. There are so many others in this world that need to go, and you are not one of them. Why... I need you here, your children need you here, your wife needs you here.. people need you here.. and you are being taken from them. I do not understand...
Again, I will not have closure for this, because I cannot, because no one will ever understand.
I hope you will have peace, and no more suffering. You fought, you always fought.
Is it time to stop fighting?
