August 3, 2011
Dear S,
Today is your 45th birthday. And, it's been over a year since you've attacked me, and our marriage was officially over. I guess, if one would think about it, our marriage was over even before you told me that you might be gay, before you decided to love my family more than me... before you stopped touching me, and holding me, hugging and kissing me, holding my hand, and having sex with me.
I keep thinking back over the ten years we were married and I can't seem to figure out exactly when we went from best friends to enemies. I just can't seem to figure it out. I try, often, and I think about it, but the moment of that exact rift doesn't come.
The little girl saw me crying the other day. She was completely freaked out by my tears. She kepy wiping my face telling me "mommy, please please don't cry". Seeing me showing any kind of emotion like that scares her. That's what this has done to her.
I don't know how to sit and talk with you anymore. I remember the last time you and I touched (aside from the beating you gave me). I remember, it was the last day of school for me, and I had a teacher's meeting. Before the meeting, I begged you to sit and talk with me, to tell me what was going on with you, to tell me why you weren't talking to me anymore, to tell me that all was going to be ok. I begged you to please hug me, so that I would know that we would be all right.
You did. It felt wrong. Like I was being hugged by someone who wasn't my husband.
Being hugged by you felt like I was being hugged by a strange man... and I felt like I was cheating on you... with you.
Maybe it was the miscarriages that made us fall apart. Maybe we never were together in the first place. But it sure felt like I married my best friend. And, isn't it ironic that the date our divorce will more than likely become final is the date of our anniversary?
We have two absolutely beautiful children. People ask me all the time how that's possible if you're gay. I ask myself the same thing. And then I think about our sex life... about how I had to do all the work, about how hard it was for you, about how you had to keep your eyes closed, maybe about what you were thinking about, because I'm pretty sure if wasn't me.
I remember our last vacation, and I am pretty sure that all those times you went out on your own, you were wondering if there were ways to escape.
Now, I'm glad that you actually took the step and beat me up. I'm thinking that it was a blessing in disguise. I don't think that I ever would have left otherwise. I should really thank you.
Either way, Happy Birthday. I sometimes really hate you, you know, even though I think that hate is a wasted emotion. But, for today, I want you to have a day of joy. I really did love you, you know.
Showing posts with label tznius. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tznius. Show all posts
Wednesday
Tuesday
July 26, 2011--Cutting the Kite Strings.
Dear Family,
Interesting that I still call you "the family", since I really don't consider you family anymore? I don't know what else to call you.
I've been doing so much reading on bullying and people, especially women, who go off the derech because of the high pressures put on them from the "frum" world. I find it especially disturbing how many women are mistreated because of the erroneous and misleading words that people find in Torah.
In other words... people mistreat others, and use Torah (or the bible, or whatever religious doctrine one wants to use) as a way to justify bad behavior.
I should just make that my mantra.
It's sad really. As the past month has gone by, I've seen several tragic events occur, and the one thing that I can't get out of my mind is the concept that people seem to do for show. They will give to others for show, they will do for others for show, they will make things for others for show, they will pay condolence calls for show.. but when it comes to doing something for another, quietly, without fanfare, they don't want to.
Why is that? Why is the concept of doing just for the sake of doing such a difficult one? And then, the question of course leads to that of modesty. Why does the idea of modesty fall on the woman. Is the man not required to be modest as well?
I've been filling out the necessary paperwork for the kids to go back to school in the fall, and I'm amazing and disturbed at the emphasis that it put on the "no internet, no tv" policy, but there is no policy on the "be good to others and be respectful to your parents" policy.
I've had this idea about speaking to the little girl's teacher about emphasizing derech eretz more than the parsha, but I don't think that this will go over well. Anyone have any thoughts about that? I would have, at one point, thought that my former parents would have truly pushed that concept, but no longer, since they don't seem to think that respect is a problem.
I'm disgusted with how the little girl speaks to me. She thinks that I'm her friend. I keep telling her how much I love her, and that I will never, ever be her friend. I'm her mother. I don't want to be her friend. Different concept for her, and one that she's not quite accustomed to. I love her, I always will and nothing that she will ever do will change that. I've also begun to explain to her the why and how of this divorce.
She asked me why I don't speak with my mother and father anymore. She's almost 10 ka'h and I am going to eventually have to explain it to her. I can't seem to push it off any longer, so, I sat her down and had a somewhat frank conversation with her; explaining how I always tell her that no matter what she does I will always love her.. and how my parents did not tell me that.
I know that the conversation made her uncomfortable, and that at some point she is going to go back to M and tell her that I said it. But the truth is there and it cannot be denied. My father had said several times that unless I continue with therapy, his heart would be hardened to me (even though it turned out that I wasn't the issue), and my mother had told me at one time in my life not to come home), so there it is. Out there in the open. No matter what my children do, no matter what they become, no matter who they become, I will always love them.
I liken being a parent to flying a kite. At some point the string can get quite long, but as a parent, you can always know that you've got hold of that string. My parents cut the string. I never will.
Interesting that I still call you "the family", since I really don't consider you family anymore? I don't know what else to call you.
I've been doing so much reading on bullying and people, especially women, who go off the derech because of the high pressures put on them from the "frum" world. I find it especially disturbing how many women are mistreated because of the erroneous and misleading words that people find in Torah.
In other words... people mistreat others, and use Torah (or the bible, or whatever religious doctrine one wants to use) as a way to justify bad behavior.
I should just make that my mantra.
It's sad really. As the past month has gone by, I've seen several tragic events occur, and the one thing that I can't get out of my mind is the concept that people seem to do for show. They will give to others for show, they will do for others for show, they will make things for others for show, they will pay condolence calls for show.. but when it comes to doing something for another, quietly, without fanfare, they don't want to.
Why is that? Why is the concept of doing just for the sake of doing such a difficult one? And then, the question of course leads to that of modesty. Why does the idea of modesty fall on the woman. Is the man not required to be modest as well?
I've been filling out the necessary paperwork for the kids to go back to school in the fall, and I'm amazing and disturbed at the emphasis that it put on the "no internet, no tv" policy, but there is no policy on the "be good to others and be respectful to your parents" policy.
I've had this idea about speaking to the little girl's teacher about emphasizing derech eretz more than the parsha, but I don't think that this will go over well. Anyone have any thoughts about that? I would have, at one point, thought that my former parents would have truly pushed that concept, but no longer, since they don't seem to think that respect is a problem.
I'm disgusted with how the little girl speaks to me. She thinks that I'm her friend. I keep telling her how much I love her, and that I will never, ever be her friend. I'm her mother. I don't want to be her friend. Different concept for her, and one that she's not quite accustomed to. I love her, I always will and nothing that she will ever do will change that. I've also begun to explain to her the why and how of this divorce.
She asked me why I don't speak with my mother and father anymore. She's almost 10 ka'h and I am going to eventually have to explain it to her. I can't seem to push it off any longer, so, I sat her down and had a somewhat frank conversation with her; explaining how I always tell her that no matter what she does I will always love her.. and how my parents did not tell me that.
I know that the conversation made her uncomfortable, and that at some point she is going to go back to M and tell her that I said it. But the truth is there and it cannot be denied. My father had said several times that unless I continue with therapy, his heart would be hardened to me (even though it turned out that I wasn't the issue), and my mother had told me at one time in my life not to come home), so there it is. Out there in the open. No matter what my children do, no matter what they become, no matter who they become, I will always love them.
I liken being a parent to flying a kite. At some point the string can get quite long, but as a parent, you can always know that you've got hold of that string. My parents cut the string. I never will.
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