Dear Family,
Interesting that I still call you "the family", since I really don't consider you family anymore? I don't know what else to call you.
I've been doing so much reading on bullying and people, especially women, who go off the derech because of the high pressures put on them from the "frum" world. I find it especially disturbing how many women are mistreated because of the erroneous and misleading words that people find in Torah.
In other words... people mistreat others, and use Torah (or the bible, or whatever religious doctrine one wants to use) as a way to justify bad behavior.
I should just make that my mantra.
It's sad really. As the past month has gone by, I've seen several tragic events occur, and the one thing that I can't get out of my mind is the concept that people seem to do for show. They will give to others for show, they will do for others for show, they will make things for others for show, they will pay condolence calls for show.. but when it comes to doing something for another, quietly, without fanfare, they don't want to.
Why is that? Why is the concept of doing just for the sake of doing such a difficult one? And then, the question of course leads to that of modesty. Why does the idea of modesty fall on the woman. Is the man not required to be modest as well?
I've been filling out the necessary paperwork for the kids to go back to school in the fall, and I'm amazing and disturbed at the emphasis that it put on the "no internet, no tv" policy, but there is no policy on the "be good to others and be respectful to your parents" policy.
I've had this idea about speaking to the little girl's teacher about emphasizing derech eretz more than the parsha, but I don't think that this will go over well. Anyone have any thoughts about that? I would have, at one point, thought that my former parents would have truly pushed that concept, but no longer, since they don't seem to think that respect is a problem.
I'm disgusted with how the little girl speaks to me. She thinks that I'm her friend. I keep telling her how much I love her, and that I will never, ever be her friend. I'm her mother. I don't want to be her friend. Different concept for her, and one that she's not quite accustomed to. I love her, I always will and nothing that she will ever do will change that. I've also begun to explain to her the why and how of this divorce.
She asked me why I don't speak with my mother and father anymore. She's almost 10 ka'h and I am going to eventually have to explain it to her. I can't seem to push it off any longer, so, I sat her down and had a somewhat frank conversation with her; explaining how I always tell her that no matter what she does I will always love her.. and how my parents did not tell me that.
I know that the conversation made her uncomfortable, and that at some point she is going to go back to M and tell her that I said it. But the truth is there and it cannot be denied. My father had said several times that unless I continue with therapy, his heart would be hardened to me (even though it turned out that I wasn't the issue), and my mother had told me at one time in my life not to come home), so there it is. Out there in the open. No matter what my children do, no matter what they become, no matter who they become, I will always love them.
I liken being a parent to flying a kite. At some point the string can get quite long, but as a parent, you can always know that you've got hold of that string. My parents cut the string. I never will.
