July 6, 2011Dear N...
I hope that you have a beautiful shabbos and again I wanted to wish you once again a happy birthday.
I don't know when you'll hear from me again. I hope you'll feel comfortable keeping me informed about you and your family however. I hope the years are kind to you, and that you get a tremendous amount of nachas and brocha from your children.
Please do not anticipate hearing about me or my successes. What you may hear from my children or "S" is more than likely inaccurate. Know that I've met most of my goals. Now that my doctorate is just about done, I may begin law school...I may not. I would like to work with women in the frum community who have been abused and neglected both by their husbands, families and by the community as well.
You probably won't understand this; honestly, I've learned that whatever anyone has heard over the past few years has had the family spin put on it. Essentially, the initial decision to cease communication with me and certain members of the family was not mine, rather it was up to those individuals. The decision to continue with that decision however, very much is mine and I take ownership of it. At no point in any given time was I given any free or unfettered ability to discuss the "family" situation without censure or judgement, in spite of what you may or may not have heard, though opportunity was presented, I was shot down and not given a healthy, fair or unbiased opportunity to speak. And so I simply chose to say little or nothing. It was excessively easy, and still is, for members of the family to jump to judgement and assume that I was always in the wrong. I recognize that because I was silent, the opportunity to be nasty and hateful was there, and in part I made it easy to turn against me, but I remind you, that I was family.
Everyone in this world has choices that they have to make, and as I've stated several times over the past year, I've been content and satisfied with mine. I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm doing what is right in my heart, and for my children and myself. Consider this letter a good-bye of sorts. Something happened to my husband a few years ago. Though I've been forced to take blame for quite a bit, whatever caused this change, I will not take responsibility for. I did not have the opportunity to seek closure, to bury my husband, to say good-bye to the man that was my best friend, that I'd fallen so deeply in love with I couldn't imagine taking a breathe without him at my side. What made the hurt so much more, was that those that called themselves family disappeared as well, and then said it was because I had pulled away.
A nephew was born to me this year. I do not know his name, or what he looks like. I found out from an utter stranger that he was born/ and when the bris was. I have come to realize that I will never again be part of that family, and have decided that in acceptance, I truly do not wish to be part of that family.
But, I am going to offer to you, the one family member that showed enough respect to me, as a human being, as a creation of G-d, and as a sibling, family member, etc., I was never given: the opportunity to say good-bye. This divorce will come to a head in March, whether Steven continues to drag it (and my children) through court or not. One way or another, there will come a time when this is over, and when that time comes, I am going to continue to rebuild my life, as I have been doing, on my own, disavowing any knowledge of the family as they've so blithly done to me. I will raise my children to make open minded choices as best I can. Unlike those that raised me, I will fully accept and embrace my children for who they are; whatever their choices may be, and from those that raised me I have learned both how, and how not, to parent.
I attribute my ability to remain sane throughout this process in part to my excellent friends and loved ones. The other part I attribute to our parents. They raised me to be true to my convictions, to believe in myself even when no one else is, and to walk with pride. Like the mythical Phoenix, I am stronger because of this, I have walked through the fires of hell and have risen again reborn and more beautiful, but though I am no longer consumed by anger, I do not forgive.
