Here. I'd thought it was obvious. I was telling my family why I was so angry for years, and they honestly wanted to know why I was angry. I felt that this this was such a slap. But I wrote a letter anyhow.
Like I said, there are only two names in this blog that I will not change the names. Everyone else's names have been changes...because God already knows who you are and what you did
So, where are you? Where have you been? When I had "little girl", M only came to spend three days with me, because grandmother was living with her. Though Sarah was right up the street and could have taken care of her, and I had no one else, NO ONE. Yet, I managed on my own.
When :little boy" was born, the fact that the family harassed the hell out of me for clearly stating that I was not going to N2s wedding because it was 12 days after his birth, was outrageous. Some of you called your own doctors to ask if my doctor was out of line telling me that I shouldn’t travel, without even knowing my full medical history (not at ALL instrusive???). Then, when I made the trip, and the subsequent sheva brachos, I was treated like a second class citizen. Ruti acted like the machsheyfah that she is, and Sarah as her usual big mouth “has to be involved in everything” self. I didn’t have food, because no meals were arranged for me, because M had said that I would get sheva brachos leftovers, and then forgot! Wait, let me guess, I should get over it, right?
In spite of the fact that my C-section took a year longer to heal because of this than it should have, because I didn’t have my family’s help, because they were too busy planning a wedding… I didn’t speak out. It was the first time in my entire life that any of my brothers had ever told me that they were proud of me.
When I went to Dallas for my PhD conference, and made plans for my family and my children, my parents conveniently decided to up and go to New York, leaving me in the lurch with some of those plans, having to run, while in Dallas, and make emergency plans on the spur of the moment. Did you not for one second think to ask G1to make those changes in plans? That caused huge rifts in my marriage. But, no, you’d only make a commitment to me, and I doesn't count, so it was ok.
Same things with my surgery around Shavous. I was having surgery, and I made the date, and after the date was decided, you decided to go to New York. Never mind that I was having surgery. Which left me to deal with surgery, my husband whom I was having issues with (which according to his “blog” which I know you've seen attached, you knew about) and my idiot interfering sister in law, alone.
You want to know why I feel as though you have never been there? Well, it is because You Have Never Been There.
And, you know? It’s not my perception. I have had two people, on two separate occasions, come to me and ask me why you, as my parents, are always around for others, but never for me. One in particular told me that it has nothing to do with what I say versus what I don’t say. She said that I don’t have to say anything, that she “isn’t blind” and that people in the community can see for themselves.
When I had one miscarriage after another, my father told me that I was grieving too long. And when I went to the Rav who told me it could take a year or two to get over it, my father told me he wasn’t a “Rav worth his salt” because of what “halochah says”. Well, father, you might be shocked at who the Rav was. I’m not going to tell you, because I don’t want you to go “verify” my story, and frankly, I don’t give two toenails about your opinion anymore. Additionally, you might find it shocking that just because you disagree with something, doesn’t mean it isn’t so. Father, you are the biggest narcissist I have ever met.
My father, had the nerve to want to speak to my therapist? Because he felt that what I was telling him wouldn’t be accurate? That is the biggest load of horseshit I have heard in years. Aside from being an enormous breach in boundaries, (which I allowed anyhow), it was not because you were concerned for me, it was because you were worried about what was being said about you! You were more worried about your precious reputation.
Absolutely disgusting and shameful, and you didn’t even hide it well, your agenda was “see through” to my therapist (the first one I wouldn’t let you talk to), to Dr. P, and to myself. Shame, Shame, Shame.
You have backed yourself into a hole. For 36+ years I have had the “privilege” of listening to how as part of this family there are honors and rewards of being an “XXXX”. For years, carrying that name meant something, and now all it carries, for me, anyhow, is a strong sense of shame. I am ashamed of having my name associated with any of you. When people now, ask me if I am related to you, I tell them no, there is no relation, because your behavior has been shameful.
You want to know why I’d started distancing myself? You always harassed me about how much I talked. Well, a little more than two years ago I stopped talking, and that’s when you decided you were going to start to maybe listen?
You always taught me not to lie. You taught me to be honest, at all costs, and that honesty has brought me nothing but pain, because my own family has never believed anything that I have said, especially when I have said the truth.
When I was young, and said that I was being bullied and tortured, you did not believe me, and all throughout my life, when I came to you for something, you felt the need to “verify” my stories, to go to others, at my expense, without a thought to my reputation or to my pride, and “verify” if my “stories” as you call them, were true. You may not have liked what I had to say to say, but in your choosing not to listen, I went somewhere else, and they listened… they brought my “stories” back to you, and I was punished for crying out for help, but you DID listen. Did it ever occur to you that you are the reason that I am the exact way that I am?
In the past six months or so, the words “immoral, disrespectful, bad judgment” have all been bandied about”. Why is that? Because I have chosen to distance myself from a family that is highly intrusive, heavily interfering, openly hostile, does not take me at my word, disrespectful to me, and takes absolutely no interest in knowing who I am or what it is that I do. You have shown more love and acceptance towards my brother’s wife, and to my husband, than to myself. And then, you had the sheer, and absolute nerve, to use small and innocent children as the excuse to do what you did. Sheer, absolute cowards are what you are. Only cowards hide behind little children.
And now, you’ve done the same thing. I was brutalized, beaten up by my husband, someone who is not blood family, and after years of listening to my father tell us how he would do anything for his children, even go to jail, he is sitting idly by, doing nothing because according to Y2, who frankly had no business being involved in the first place, I should have had to ask. A child should have to ask for help? What kind of parents are you? All I can say to you is that I hope my children learn nothing from you, and there is a reason that I do not encourage them to spend time with you.
You brought Y2 into the situation. A young man, who is the youngest sibling, who, while maybe has a very good head on his shoulders, has never truly understood the concept of absolute respect for an older female sibling. Y2, who has called, and treated me as though I am a criminal, and mentally unstable, who coerced me into getting treatment, who spent time treating me as though I was completely insane and then went and repeated what I said to my husband, who later repeated things to his therapist and then later on to you, which at that point you twisted.
Do you know that because of your actions, in bringing my siblings into your mess, and your inability to communicate with me, you destroyed the one thing that you claim to hold so dear: the family?
Because of your actions, because of Ruti, N1 and their actions, I will never again speak to Ruti or N1, I will never have a relationship with my nephews, who will have no idea who I am because Ruti will make sure of that. But you probably do not care about that. I will never again trust a single member of the family, and haven’t by the way, for months. I do not believe a single word that any of you tell me, because as far as I am concerned, you are more concerned with your precious reputation, and how you are seen by others, than the truth. You have never really been concerned with the truth. Don’t have Y2 call me up and tell me what was “allegedly” said behind closed doors, or the hours long conversations on what you “think” you should do. Words mean nothing to me, because for years, I have watched as you have said many hateful, hurtful words to, and about me.
Your love and acceptance of me has always come with conditions and a price. I am no longer willing to pay that price or accept those conditions. I sat and watched, holding in pain and anger while comments were made about my weight, my looks, my clothing, my choices . You were ashamed to be seen with me while I was obese and overweight. I pulled my hair out, which was a cry for help and attention that you ignored, because it may have meant that your parenting was incorrect, and when people came to you, and told you something was wrong, you told them to go screw themselves. Yes, I know about that because they told me. I did not come to verify their stories, because frankly, as my parents, you terrify me. I do not love you. I honor you because the Torah says I have to. I am terrified of you, because you instilled that in me. Grandmother always said that her inheritance to her children was fear. Well dear parents, your parents to your children is fear too.
I do not love you, because your actions destroyed the ability for me to do that. For the record, I do not hate you either. I have no feelings for you in that regard either way. I am however, very angry. I never ever want my children to be terrified of me. What a shameful thing for me to have to admit. If this letter brings you nothing else, I hope that you are deeply ashamed that you, my father, turned out to be just as bad, if not worse, than the abusive bastard your father was, and you, my mother, are playing the victim beautifully, but victims can be abusers too.
I laughed too loud, I talked too much. I didn’t act “Normal” enough for you. Well, I had the foresight to get the help that you felt I needed. None of you have ever bothered to do so. I stood up for myself because I had to. None of you ever did. Instead of finding out why I was so hugely overweight and ate all the time, you simply called the school and told them not to give me seconds on food. I was hungry, so I got the food any way I could. That looked bad for the family reputation, so you punished me. When I was pulling my hair out, you didn’t bother to find out why, but I made the family look bad, so you punished me. You raised me as a boy until I was twelve years old, and then you told me to “act like a lady”. Did you ever one time, even ONCE, consider that you never taught me the things I needed to know on HOW to act like a lady? You still punished me when I did not behave the way you felt I should act.
When you thought I lied, you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me off, and then to hit me. It never did occur to you that i wasn't lying. To this day, I do not sleep through the night. I do not trust. I have security issues, and I am afraid to sleep. I thank you, Abba, for that. For years, every time I would fall asleep, I would be traumatized and plagued by horrifying nightmares of being awoken and punished, or murdered in my sleep. The year that I spent in seminary in Israel, I would wake my roommates up with my nightmares. One told me that it was good that she didn’t sleep either, because my screams would have woken her up. But, you probably don’t believe that either. Perhaps you should call them to verify my story.
And yet, in spite of continued trauma that you put me through, I yearned for your approval. I put myself through school, never asked you to pay for my education, and got my Masters degree in Criminology. and I just got my Doctorate in Psychology with an emphasis in Criminal Behavior. Who does that? *I* did. So that I would be able to feel closer to my father, who still chose his son in law over his daughter (good choice, by the way). And, I want it made very very clear, that not once in the last six months have I asked for financial assistance on my own behalf. Dr. P., who is so highly incensed by your shameful behavior, has taken it upon himself to ask for me, and you turned him down, telling him that I would have to come begging and groveling to you if I wanted you to even considering helping me. Yeah.. I don't think so. I do not want your help. Again, I am not willing to meet your conditions to accept your help. And yet, you have the sheer nerve to make statements about how you are always “bailing me out”? I at least had the moral turpitude (the “classy” individuals in the family would call them balls), to pay back what I have borrowed).
Well, let me play a little tit for tat here, Family.
Call Tante N, and ask her to “verify” (if you won’t find it too terribly shameful, that is), if while I was living in P, and in D, and I still didn’t have a penny to my name, and M and A had even less, but I knew they were struggling, but I sent N $50.00 every month to put on their bill at the bakery, and $50.00 at the butcher.
Call the bookstore, and ask the owner if anyone has every “anonymously” paid off part of the family cheshbon in the past ten years.
Call the bakery, and ask if anyone has ever “anonymously” put money on their bill towards their credit in the past ten years.
Ask Y2 who paid for his plane ticket with mileage when he was dating his wife, because they couldn’t get a ticket, and a mileage ticket was the only way he was going to get there.
Ask M who she borrowed $400.00 from before she went to Israel from, once, because there wasn’t money in the account at the time, and let’s not forget the time I was called frantically from Israel, and I went to the house, making myself late for work, so that I could go fish $500.00 cash out of the toilet that was accidentally dropped there? Good Old Dependable me.
When N1's first kids were born, I called every one of his "boys" that I knew of and told them to get their acts together, get Ruti flowers, and a beautiful baby gift, because of how Ruti always put herself out for them. I made sure that she had dinners when she came back from her Florida trips, that N1always had food and so on. I picked up pizza in the pouring rain for N1so the girls cleaning his house would have what to eat before Ruti came home from the hospital.
No one ever did that for me. I cleaned my own damn house.
Who is it that everyone always called when there was an issue, or a problem, or someone needed dinner or something or something to be looked up, everyone called me, and stupid sucker that I am, I ran to do it. I should have said no, especially if I was busy doing something else, but I never felt that it was right to do that. Stupid me, so eager to please, like a puppy, well, I’m not your “hint” anymore.
Ask N1and Ruti if they ever “borrowed” money from me in the form of a money order or two that I have never ever asked them about, ever in the amount of a few thousand dollars. (Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure that they will deny it, but I can probably have the bank dig up the receipt).
A few other things about me that you should know. My birthday is February 15, 1974. That means, that I am 36 years old (not 25, not 38). A parent should at least know how old his child is, and just because a father is having “memory issues” does not mean that a conversation did not take place. Another convenient excuse to blame the victim. How dare you tell me that if you had to live with my crap you would have divorced me years ago? Well, I’ve made the decision for you. Now, we’re divorced. You never have to see me again, and if I have my way, you never will.
I never abused my children. I always did carpool, I always contributed financially to my family. I did the cooking for my family, and I cleaned up afterwards. I went to work when my husband sat on the computer and “networked”. I did what I had to do to take care of my family. However I also realize that you only heard one side of the story. You never came to ask me what was going on. You blindly accepted that I was the “bad guy”, which you have always done.
I realize that you may have disagreed with my choices, but I am an adult, and I am not required to come ask you for anything. I also realize that my not coming to ask for, or take your advice angers you.
Get over it. I did ask, I just may have chosen not to take your advice. There is a difference.
Some other things that you may not have known I was busy accomplishing while you thought I was just sitting at home, doing nothing, getting drug addicted, or abusing my children and emasculating my abusive, neglecting husband (who by the way, decided that he might be gay, then changed his mind, but either way, refused to have sex with me for two years).
I have never raised my hand in anger to another human being (how many of you can say that?)
I have never gotten a traffic ticket, not have I been stopped for erratic driving (amazing, considering that you all think that I am a drug addict, to the point where you had my privacy invaded).
I have never been fired from a job, nor told by others in a formal nor informal job evaluation that I am difficult to work with, or that I have anger management issues.
I have never been considered a danger to myself or to others.
I am a member of the American Psychological Association.
I am a member of the American Psychological Law Society.
I am a member of the American Criminal Justice Society.
I have been given highest honors and a graduate key based on my academics with a fraternity that I am part of, though because of your actions, I have had to give up part of my schooling (yes, your actions), and no, I will not explain. If you have questions, you can always call Dr. P, but I doubt you will like what he has to say, and since you never really listen to what anyone has to say if you disagree with them, I doubt you will call.
Because of your actions, a highly mentally unstable individual is going to hurt me again, and you will stand by and let it happen. G1 has continuously violated the restraining order that I have against him, and there are no consequences, because he is still being publicly supported by my family. Nice Job. Thank you again for that. And don’t try and use the children as your excuse. You’re just too big a coward to stand up publicly and admit you screwed the pooch and made a mistake.
If the test of a person is how they treat those they have power over, it is a test that you failed. You are greatly incapable of admitting any viewpoint but your own. You punish failure and weakness and do not accept anything less than perfection. My “father” sees his work within the community and the police department as some sort of holy and sacred calling, and whether or not anyone else wishes to admit it, your children suffered because of it. Perhaps, if you had been better parents, I would have been a better daughter. I am what I am, because of you.
I am not immoral, unethical, or disrespectful. Distancing myself from my family because they are toxic, poisonous, unhealthy, and have spent the better part of my life attempting to convince me that I am mentally unstable and mentally ill, is actually a very ethical, healthy, morally correct thing to do. Torah says that I have to honor my parents. It doesn’t say anywhere that I have to love them. Torah says a lot of things that you, conveniently choose not to follow. The lifestyle that I have chosen is mine because of the shameful, absolutely disgusting way that I constantly see people abusing Torah and Halochah to justify bad behavior. You, are amongst those people. I may no longer have my pride, my dignity, or the family name (which is fine, because I don’t want it, and haven’t in years), but I still have my self-respect. I can look myself in the mirror in the morning, and know that every single action I have taken was the right one.
I may not be able to purchase a single solitary thing for myself or my children. I cannot buy them boots, clothing, toys, or anything else. I cannot get them basic necessities, I cannot do anything for them right now, but the one thing I can give them, that they cannot get from you, or anyone else associated with you or G1, is the proper way to treat people. That, they will get from me, and it’s something that cannot be bought.
You chose your son-in-law over your daughter. I can live with that choice. The question is, can you?
I can go on for pages . I can write a book, a dissertation on why I’m angry at this family, at my parents, and on how wrongfully I have been treated. But I won’t, because doing so just eats away at me.
My only hope for you, is that you finally realize that I want nothing to do with you. If you want to help, help, if not, then don’t. Don’t ask what you can do, because when you were told what you could do, you took that opportunity to further add trauma, so your “overtures” are false and full of shit.
I want nothing to do with anyone from the family. Do not text me, do not call me, do not email me. As far as I am concerned, you are gone and buried, and I will mourn you on July 25th, the same day I mourn the death of my marriage.
You reap what you sow.
