Dear God,
People ask me why I am angry at you. They assume that I have left frumkeit because I must be angry with you.
I'm not.
I am so filled with anger and hate towards people though. I hate your creations. I hate people. I hate everyone.
I am not angry with you, except for one thing. You took my Boat from me. The one person who understood a little of what I was going through.
Scott said that he didn't want to leave, but that it was just his time to go. I asked him, was that really Boat under that mound of dirt. He said no, that Boat had already left... but seeing his name by the grave, was so odd. And, it's even stranger not seeing him outside. You took from me everything else. I have nothing left. My friends, family, house, job, and even my health. All gone. For that, I'm not angry. But for my Boat? A barnacle will die without its boat. So where do I go from here?
I feel so alone, as though drifting. I have no idea what to do next? Betrayal does not seem to come close to the emotions I feel. The little girl is angry because her beloved cats will not come with us when we move. I am sad because I had to hurt the little ones again. I don't know what, or where, or when the next sad move will take place. What else will these children have to lose?
Will it be me? The mini stroke was a sign. I know. But I don't know when my own death will come, though I am sure it will be sooner rather than later. I should be preparing, though I don't even know where to begin. So, I continue to move on.
The goal was to live to see forty. Will I make that goal? Boat had promised me another 28 years. He could never have known that was not going to happen. I guess none of us do.
Monday
Dear Boat
Dear Boat,
It's very strange.. writing to you, knowing that you aren't going to read this.
I went to your grave yesterday to say goodbye. I got halfway to the site before I started to break down. Seeing that mound of dirt, and knowing that your body was underneath it.. I couldn't take it. I put the rocks at your head.. and then sat down at your feet and started talking.
But it wasn't the same. You weren't THERE. It didn't feel the same, you weren't there to shake your head at me, when I told you I wanted to give up, and that I just didn't feel right being there...I kept waiting for someone to come kick me out and tell me that I didn't belong there.
I had a mini-stroke on Friday night. In all our conversations, we were never sure which one of us was going to go first. You won that argument... I'm not so sure that I am too far behind. It's a very scary thought.
I wonder if or when I go, where I am going to go. I feel as though I have experienced my hell here on earth, but that does not mean I am not going to be required to go through hell again. Where are you? Is it terrible? How come you haven't stopped in to visit?
I was so angry at you when you died. I know that it wasn't your choice, but I wish I could have said good bye, and I am so frustrated that I did not get that option.
I miss you.
It's very strange.. writing to you, knowing that you aren't going to read this.
I went to your grave yesterday to say goodbye. I got halfway to the site before I started to break down. Seeing that mound of dirt, and knowing that your body was underneath it.. I couldn't take it. I put the rocks at your head.. and then sat down at your feet and started talking.
But it wasn't the same. You weren't THERE. It didn't feel the same, you weren't there to shake your head at me, when I told you I wanted to give up, and that I just didn't feel right being there...I kept waiting for someone to come kick me out and tell me that I didn't belong there.
I had a mini-stroke on Friday night. In all our conversations, we were never sure which one of us was going to go first. You won that argument... I'm not so sure that I am too far behind. It's a very scary thought.
I wonder if or when I go, where I am going to go. I feel as though I have experienced my hell here on earth, but that does not mean I am not going to be required to go through hell again. Where are you? Is it terrible? How come you haven't stopped in to visit?
I was so angry at you when you died. I know that it wasn't your choice, but I wish I could have said good bye, and I am so frustrated that I did not get that option.
I miss you.
Wednesday
Still Grieving...
I feel like I will cry forever..
Is it weird that I'm crying more for you than I have for anyone else?
Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus (first time substitute
"strength" for "love" and
"saved" for "changed"):
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Mmmmm... (I'll remember)
Mmmmm...
chorus
Is it weird that I'm crying more for you than I have for anyone else?
Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus (first time substitute
"strength" for "love" and
"saved" for "changed"):
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Mmmmm... (I'll remember)
Mmmmm...
chorus
Friday
Dearest Boat...again
Good bye...i cant believe im saying goodbye to you. To have gotten a text finding out that you had been taken to the hospital...to not have had the opportunity to say goodbyen to hold your hand and be there as you promised. You promised me 30 years of friendship together, and when you got sick you promised that you would keep fighting because we had 28 years left... damn it... I have 28 years left on that promise...You died and what do I do now? I know I am being stupid and selfish and angry, but your funeral was today and I coul not go. My friend...what do I do without you? I think it is time for me to leave the city. Without you here, there is no reason to stay. I swore I would always be there for you, and you half didn't believe me...but I stayed, and now you're gone and I am completely alone.Good bye Boat. Rest In Peace.
Wednesday
Dear Boat
Dear Boat,
If I knew how much pain this would be, I don't know that I would have started this in the first place. You hurt so badly... I know you aren't going to tell me what is going on. I know your children are coming in. I know that you are going to die. I know that you are going to be in hospice if you aren't already.
You have gotten me through so much. You have gotten me through finding myself, and have been there for me with Smcs even though it pained you so much because of how you felt about me, and at great cost to yourself. I have no way of ever repaying you, and I don't know how you could have done that, because I am selfish and I don't know if I could have done what you did.
I don't think I will have closure, I will hurt, and my heart will break and a piece of me will remain broken and you will not be here to fix it and I will have to fix it on my own and I don't know if I can.
I remember when you first got sick and you didn't want to tell me. And then, it was necrosis, and the cancer was gone, and then, when you told me, I cried, because I really thought it was gone, but there was a part of me that knew it wasn't and that you were fooling yourself. And I told you then, that you were ok, and that it was ok.
I told the little girl today. She wants to pray and asked if god would listen to her prayers, and make you better. I told her that she could pray, but that you were still going to die.
I am so sad, and so angry and so hurting. There are so many others in this world that need to go, and you are not one of them. Why... I need you here, your children need you here, your wife needs you here.. people need you here.. and you are being taken from them. I do not understand...
Again, I will not have closure for this, because I cannot, because no one will ever understand.
I hope you will have peace, and no more suffering. You fought, you always fought.
Is it time to stop fighting?
If I knew how much pain this would be, I don't know that I would have started this in the first place. You hurt so badly... I know you aren't going to tell me what is going on. I know your children are coming in. I know that you are going to die. I know that you are going to be in hospice if you aren't already.
You have gotten me through so much. You have gotten me through finding myself, and have been there for me with Smcs even though it pained you so much because of how you felt about me, and at great cost to yourself. I have no way of ever repaying you, and I don't know how you could have done that, because I am selfish and I don't know if I could have done what you did.
I don't think I will have closure, I will hurt, and my heart will break and a piece of me will remain broken and you will not be here to fix it and I will have to fix it on my own and I don't know if I can.
I remember when you first got sick and you didn't want to tell me. And then, it was necrosis, and the cancer was gone, and then, when you told me, I cried, because I really thought it was gone, but there was a part of me that knew it wasn't and that you were fooling yourself. And I told you then, that you were ok, and that it was ok.
I told the little girl today. She wants to pray and asked if god would listen to her prayers, and make you better. I told her that she could pray, but that you were still going to die.
I am so sad, and so angry and so hurting. There are so many others in this world that need to go, and you are not one of them. Why... I need you here, your children need you here, your wife needs you here.. people need you here.. and you are being taken from them. I do not understand...
Again, I will not have closure for this, because I cannot, because no one will ever understand.
I hope you will have peace, and no more suffering. You fought, you always fought.
Is it time to stop fighting?
Tuesday
Thursday
Dear Family...again
Dear Family,
Well, another abuse allegation from the little girl. You cannot possibly expect that a child this sheltered has made these allegations up. What does she know about sexual abuse? But, you think that she did? And when I sent you an email asking that you please communicate decently with her, that you respect her, and me, that you do not violate boundries, that you do not discourage her from communication, that you do not question her or interrogate the little boy, that you have some decency, you send me a "we don't know who you are remove us from your list" response?
That's incredibly mature. But, I get the message.
Consider me removed. I will not contact you again. Consider me dead and gone. If you no longer wish to be in contact with your only daughter, and you have pushed all my brothers from having contact with me, and have managed to manipulate all my family from having contact with me, than you shall reap what you sew. Do not ask me to come back. The answer, will be no.
I forgive you all for your transgressions. But I hope that you can one day forgive yourself.
Well, another abuse allegation from the little girl. You cannot possibly expect that a child this sheltered has made these allegations up. What does she know about sexual abuse? But, you think that she did? And when I sent you an email asking that you please communicate decently with her, that you respect her, and me, that you do not violate boundries, that you do not discourage her from communication, that you do not question her or interrogate the little boy, that you have some decency, you send me a "we don't know who you are remove us from your list" response?
That's incredibly mature. But, I get the message.
Consider me removed. I will not contact you again. Consider me dead and gone. If you no longer wish to be in contact with your only daughter, and you have pushed all my brothers from having contact with me, and have managed to manipulate all my family from having contact with me, than you shall reap what you sew. Do not ask me to come back. The answer, will be no.
I forgive you all for your transgressions. But I hope that you can one day forgive yourself.
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