Dear...

I wanted to write this as a dear family post... but, I don't have a family anymore.

It's been a year since I've last posted.  I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing.  I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.

I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family.  Did I ever mean anything to you?  Was I ever really a child?  A daughter?

It's a complex question.  The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember.  And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew.  And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.

How does a family do something like this to one another?  Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash.  They took S in and treated him like gold.  He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.

How does a family allow something like that to occur?

Even more so, to their only daughter...  and then, to maliciously and vindictively do whatever you could (without getting caught) to hurt me.  It's inconceivable.

Well, you might be glad (who knows) to know that I have appeared to have lost my anger.  It fueled and drove me for so many years, that I'm a little lost without it.  I have NOT forgiven you for what you've done, but I'm not angry anymore.  I feel pity for you, I'm sad because you will never know the person I have become, truly become, but the loss is yours.

Granted, there is loss there that is mine as well.  However, I came into this world naked and alone, and that, is eventually how I will leave.