My best friend.. my heart.. I miss you with a fierceness that you can't imagine.. and I'm driven by that madness...
We are coming up on two years since you died. I still can't believe that you're gone. I know that I haven't written or visited in a long time.. but I also know that you're watching...
I met someone who reminds me of you in so many ways. He's loving and kind, and I can easily see a long future ahead of me with him. But, like you, he won't ever be really mine, and I so struggle with that.
I haven't spoken to your family in a long time. I know that I promised I would always look after them, and I've probably broken that promise, but know that there are members of my W family that are looking after your daughters.. even if they don't know the true dynamics of our relationship.
I have to ask.. did it hurt? I know you knew you were going to leave me. That last night.. I'm sometimes not sure if it was real or if I was dreaming you, or imagining you, or hallucinating.. that night when you flashed your phone at me, and I told you through the screen that I would always love you, and that I would always be there.. but E, I couldn't.. I just.. couldn't.
Life goes on. It almost seems like it's going on without me. I have stagnated since your death. I've been reckless in so many ways, almost as though*I* don't want to be here either. Life is so hard Boat, and so painful... how did you exist always smiling?
So, again, I ask you.. did it hurt? Because I know that it's hurting me.. and I'm still here.
There is a lot of anger still in me.. so many have left me, and I think that I'm being punished through my loved ones...
You once told me that you were going to go to hell when you died.. that our relationship was a sin, worse than what I did, was what you did. I remember that dream I had.. with you burning, cracked lips sending me a message as you agnonized over every word. I didn't forget, and I don't think I ever will.
What's it like? You haven't visited in so long.. and I miss my best friend.. so much that it's hurting me physically. I need you, and you left.
May 17... I sometimes look at your pictures.. and I still have the email account you asked me to set up. Occassionally I look through the emails.. they hurt. S told me me once that he can't compete with a dead man... He's right.
I love you.. loved, you.. past tense hurts... Where are you?
Boat, I'm alone.. I was born alone, and I'm going to die alone.. and I miss you so much, I just hurt with it.
You still owe me 28 years...
I have to learn how to let you go. But I can't. Your memory both kills me and motivates me.. and I just..I don't know who I am anymore, or where to go.. or what to do. You were a beacon to me.. my boat, I was your barn.. remember that? I hope you're ok... wherever you are. I know there is a piece of you that will always be with me.. but I am so lonely.. and I miss you so much.
Someone else is liuving in my my house now... but your family is ok.
Forgive me.
