I wanted to write this as a dear family post... but, I don't have a family anymore.
It's been a year since I've last posted. I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing. I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.
I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family. Did I ever mean anything to you? Was I ever really a child? A daughter?
It's a complex question. The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember. And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew. And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.
How does a family do something like this to one another? Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash. They took G1 in and treated him like gold. He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.
How does a family allow something like that to occur?
Even more so, how do I live now?
Monday
Another year without the boat.. everyone else, FUCK YOU.
Dear Boat,
I don't even know where to start with this posting. I would like to start at the beginning, but that's too difficult.
I turned 40 on Saturday... and cried all day Monday. Apparently I was having a you moment, because you still owe me 28 years, and now I am left all alone.
I will be honest here Boat. I'm no good at this. I know that you told me that sometimes, all a person needs is a smile, but I'm not seeing that right now. I see pain, and sadness and grief, everywhere I go. I've ever started to see visitors that have malicious intent, and I've never seen that before, Ever!!!
There are parts of me that think that God make a mistake creating me He should never have taken you, and i should never have been created. The world is such a frightening places right now. Would you really want a future son or daughter to be a part of this?
On Friday, one could say, I "unofficially" lost my kids... and won't be able to see then for quite some time. If my family has any say in that, I will never see them again at all, as you know, they think that I'm a terrible mom. I think that somewhere on here, I should post the emails and the letters, and in some cases take the persons name out... and in some cases leave them in, entirely.
I was desperate for gas money. The stupid parenting agreement stated that I am required to do all the driving back and forth from east to west side. This is sometimes done 3 o r 4 times a day. Well, getting sick and losing my job meant I went from making decent income to nothing. And nothing doesn't pay the rest of the utilities or gas money and frankly, I think that if I have to think about money and where it's going to come from one more time I am going to lose my mind.
SO I asked my last remaining speaking relative with money to see if she would loan me enough money to get gas for my children...to which her response (paraphrased of course) if you would like to see the whole text I have it, that I am a bad mom who doesn't fulfill the needs of her children and that she would like to sit down with me and find out a solution that would benefit the children. If she feels that my seeing them will benefit them, and she will consider lending me the money.
I told her to fuck off... and I haven't seen my kids since.
I don't even know where to start with this posting. I would like to start at the beginning, but that's too difficult.
I turned 40 on Saturday... and cried all day Monday. Apparently I was having a you moment, because you still owe me 28 years, and now I am left all alone.
I will be honest here Boat. I'm no good at this. I know that you told me that sometimes, all a person needs is a smile, but I'm not seeing that right now. I see pain, and sadness and grief, everywhere I go. I've ever started to see visitors that have malicious intent, and I've never seen that before, Ever!!!
There are parts of me that think that God make a mistake creating me He should never have taken you, and i should never have been created. The world is such a frightening places right now. Would you really want a future son or daughter to be a part of this?
On Friday, one could say, I "unofficially" lost my kids... and won't be able to see then for quite some time. If my family has any say in that, I will never see them again at all, as you know, they think that I'm a terrible mom. I think that somewhere on here, I should post the emails and the letters, and in some cases take the persons name out... and in some cases leave them in, entirely.
I was desperate for gas money. The stupid parenting agreement stated that I am required to do all the driving back and forth from east to west side. This is sometimes done 3 o r 4 times a day. Well, getting sick and losing my job meant I went from making decent income to nothing. And nothing doesn't pay the rest of the utilities or gas money and frankly, I think that if I have to think about money and where it's going to come from one more time I am going to lose my mind.
SO I asked my last remaining speaking relative with money to see if she would loan me enough money to get gas for my children...to which her response (paraphrased of course) if you would like to see the whole text I have it, that I am a bad mom who doesn't fulfill the needs of her children and that she would like to sit down with me and find out a solution that would benefit the children. If she feels that my seeing them will benefit them, and she will consider lending me the money.
I told her to fuck off... and I haven't seen my kids since.
Dear Boat...
My best friend.. my heart.. I miss you with a fierceness that you can't imagine.. and I'm driven by that madness...
We are coming up on two years since you died. I still can't believe that you're gone. I know that I haven't written or visited in a long time.. but I also know that you're watching...
I met someone who reminds me of you in so many ways. He's loving and kind, and I can easily see a long future ahead of me with him. But, like you, he won't ever be really mine, and I so struggle with that.
I haven't spoken to your family in a long time. I know that I promised I would always look after them, and I've probably broken that promise, but know that there are members of my W family that are looking after your daughters.. even if they don't know the true dynamics of our relationship.
I have to ask.. did it hurt? I know you knew you were going to leave me. That last night.. I'm sometimes not sure if it was real or if I was dreaming you, or imagining you, or hallucinating.. that night when you flashed your phone at me, and I told you through the screen that I would always love you, and that I would always be there.. but E, I couldn't.. I just.. couldn't.
Life goes on. It almost seems like it's going on without me. I have stagnated since your death. I've been reckless in so many ways, almost as though*I* don't want to be here either. Life is so hard Boat, and so painful... how did you exist always smiling?
So, again, I ask you.. did it hurt? Because I know that it's hurting me.. and I'm still here.
There is a lot of anger still in me.. so many have left me, and I think that I'm being punished through my loved ones...
You once told me that you were going to go to hell when you died.. that our relationship was a sin, worse than what I did, was what you did. I remember that dream I had.. with you burning, cracked lips sending me a message as you agnonized over every word. I didn't forget, and I don't think I ever will.
What's it like? You haven't visited in so long.. and I miss my best friend.. so much that it's hurting me physically. I need you, and you left.
May 17... I sometimes look at your pictures.. and I still have the email account you asked me to set up. Occassionally I look through the emails.. they hurt. S told me me once that he can't compete with a dead man... He's right.
I love you.. loved, you.. past tense hurts... Where are you?
Boat, I'm alone.. I was born alone, and I'm going to die alone.. and I miss you so much, I just hurt with it.
You still owe me 28 years...
I have to learn how to let you go. But I can't. Your memory both kills me and motivates me.. and I just..I don't know who I am anymore, or where to go.. or what to do. You were a beacon to me.. my boat, I was your barn.. remember that? I hope you're ok... wherever you are. I know there is a piece of you that will always be with me.. but I am so lonely.. and I miss you so much.
Someone else is liuving in my my house now... but your family is ok.
Forgive me.
We are coming up on two years since you died. I still can't believe that you're gone. I know that I haven't written or visited in a long time.. but I also know that you're watching...
I met someone who reminds me of you in so many ways. He's loving and kind, and I can easily see a long future ahead of me with him. But, like you, he won't ever be really mine, and I so struggle with that.
I haven't spoken to your family in a long time. I know that I promised I would always look after them, and I've probably broken that promise, but know that there are members of my W family that are looking after your daughters.. even if they don't know the true dynamics of our relationship.
I have to ask.. did it hurt? I know you knew you were going to leave me. That last night.. I'm sometimes not sure if it was real or if I was dreaming you, or imagining you, or hallucinating.. that night when you flashed your phone at me, and I told you through the screen that I would always love you, and that I would always be there.. but E, I couldn't.. I just.. couldn't.
Life goes on. It almost seems like it's going on without me. I have stagnated since your death. I've been reckless in so many ways, almost as though*I* don't want to be here either. Life is so hard Boat, and so painful... how did you exist always smiling?
So, again, I ask you.. did it hurt? Because I know that it's hurting me.. and I'm still here.
There is a lot of anger still in me.. so many have left me, and I think that I'm being punished through my loved ones...
You once told me that you were going to go to hell when you died.. that our relationship was a sin, worse than what I did, was what you did. I remember that dream I had.. with you burning, cracked lips sending me a message as you agnonized over every word. I didn't forget, and I don't think I ever will.
What's it like? You haven't visited in so long.. and I miss my best friend.. so much that it's hurting me physically. I need you, and you left.
May 17... I sometimes look at your pictures.. and I still have the email account you asked me to set up. Occassionally I look through the emails.. they hurt. S told me me once that he can't compete with a dead man... He's right.
I love you.. loved, you.. past tense hurts... Where are you?
Boat, I'm alone.. I was born alone, and I'm going to die alone.. and I miss you so much, I just hurt with it.
You still owe me 28 years...
I have to learn how to let you go. But I can't. Your memory both kills me and motivates me.. and I just..I don't know who I am anymore, or where to go.. or what to do. You were a beacon to me.. my boat, I was your barn.. remember that? I hope you're ok... wherever you are. I know there is a piece of you that will always be with me.. but I am so lonely.. and I miss you so much.
Someone else is liuving in my my house now... but your family is ok.
Forgive me.
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