Dear Boat,
I don't even know where to start with this posting. I would like to start at the beginning, but that's too difficult.
I turned 40 on Saturday... and cried all day Monday. Apparently I was having a you moment, because you still owe me 28 years, and now I am left all alone.
I will be honest here Boat. I'm no good at this. I know that you told me that sometimes, all a person needs is a smile, but I'm not seeing that right now. I see pain, and sadness and grief, everywhere I go. I've ever started to see visitors that have malicious intent, and I've never seen that before, Ever!!!
There are parts of me that think that God make a mistake creating me He should never have taken you, and i should never have been created. The world is such a frightening places right now. Would you really want a future son or daughter to be a part of this?
On Friday, one could say, I "unofficially" lost my kids... and won't be able to see then for quite some time. If my family has any say in that, I will never see them again at all, as you know, they think that I'm a terrible mom. I think that somewhere on here, I should post the emails and the letters, and in some cases take the persons name out... and in some cases leave them in, entirely.
I was desperate for gas money. The stupid parenting agreement stated that I am required to do all the driving back and forth from east to west side. This is sometimes done 3 o r 4 times a day. Well, getting sick and losing my job meant I went from making decent income to nothing. And nothing doesn't pay the rest of the utilities or gas money and frankly, I think that if I have to think about money and where it's going to come from one more time I am going to lose my mind.
SO I asked my last remaining speaking relative with money to see if she would loan me enough money to get gas for my children...to which her response (paraphrased of course) if you would like to see the whole text I have it, that I am a bad mom who doesn't fulfill the needs of her children and that she would like to sit down with me and find out a solution that would benefit the children. If she feels that my seeing them will benefit them, and she will consider lending me the money.
I told her to fuck off... and I haven't seen my kids since.
