I feel like I will cry forever..
Is it weird that I'm crying more for you than I have for anyone else?
Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus (first time substitute
"strength" for "love" and
"saved" for "changed"):
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Mmmmm... (I'll remember)
Mmmmm...
chorus
Wednesday
Friday
Dearest Boat...again
Good bye...i cant believe im saying goodbye to you. To have gotten a text finding out that you had been taken to the hospital...to not have had the opportunity to say goodbyen to hold your hand and be there as you promised. You promised me 30 years of friendship together, and when you got sick you promised that you would keep fighting because we had 28 years left... damn it... I have 28 years left on that promise...You died and what do I do now? I know I am being stupid and selfish and angry, but your funeral was today and I coul not go. My friend...what do I do without you? I think it is time for me to leave the city. Without you here, there is no reason to stay. I swore I would always be there for you, and you half didn't believe me...but I stayed, and now you're gone and I am completely alone.Good bye Boat. Rest In Peace.
Wednesday
Dear Boat
Dear Boat,
If I knew how much pain this would be, I don't know that I would have started this in the first place. You hurt so badly... I know you aren't going to tell me what is going on. I know your children are coming in. I know that you are going to die. I know that you are going to be in hospice if you aren't already.
You have gotten me through so much. You have gotten me through finding myself, and have been there for me with Smcs even though it pained you so much because of how you felt about me, and at great cost to yourself. I have no way of ever repaying you, and I don't know how you could have done that, because I am selfish and I don't know if I could have done what you did.
I don't think I will have closure, I will hurt, and my heart will break and a piece of me will remain broken and you will not be here to fix it and I will have to fix it on my own and I don't know if I can.
I remember when you first got sick and you didn't want to tell me. And then, it was necrosis, and the cancer was gone, and then, when you told me, I cried, because I really thought it was gone, but there was a part of me that knew it wasn't and that you were fooling yourself. And I told you then, that you were ok, and that it was ok.
I told the little girl today. She wants to pray and asked if god would listen to her prayers, and make you better. I told her that she could pray, but that you were still going to die.
I am so sad, and so angry and so hurting. There are so many others in this world that need to go, and you are not one of them. Why... I need you here, your children need you here, your wife needs you here.. people need you here.. and you are being taken from them. I do not understand...
Again, I will not have closure for this, because I cannot, because no one will ever understand.
I hope you will have peace, and no more suffering. You fought, you always fought.
Is it time to stop fighting?
If I knew how much pain this would be, I don't know that I would have started this in the first place. You hurt so badly... I know you aren't going to tell me what is going on. I know your children are coming in. I know that you are going to die. I know that you are going to be in hospice if you aren't already.
You have gotten me through so much. You have gotten me through finding myself, and have been there for me with Smcs even though it pained you so much because of how you felt about me, and at great cost to yourself. I have no way of ever repaying you, and I don't know how you could have done that, because I am selfish and I don't know if I could have done what you did.
I don't think I will have closure, I will hurt, and my heart will break and a piece of me will remain broken and you will not be here to fix it and I will have to fix it on my own and I don't know if I can.
I remember when you first got sick and you didn't want to tell me. And then, it was necrosis, and the cancer was gone, and then, when you told me, I cried, because I really thought it was gone, but there was a part of me that knew it wasn't and that you were fooling yourself. And I told you then, that you were ok, and that it was ok.
I told the little girl today. She wants to pray and asked if god would listen to her prayers, and make you better. I told her that she could pray, but that you were still going to die.
I am so sad, and so angry and so hurting. There are so many others in this world that need to go, and you are not one of them. Why... I need you here, your children need you here, your wife needs you here.. people need you here.. and you are being taken from them. I do not understand...
Again, I will not have closure for this, because I cannot, because no one will ever understand.
I hope you will have peace, and no more suffering. You fought, you always fought.
Is it time to stop fighting?
Tuesday
Thursday
Dear Family...again
Dear Family,
Well, another abuse allegation from the little girl. You cannot possibly expect that a child this sheltered has made these allegations up. What does she know about sexual abuse? But, you think that she did? And when I sent you an email asking that you please communicate decently with her, that you respect her, and me, that you do not violate boundries, that you do not discourage her from communication, that you do not question her or interrogate the little boy, that you have some decency, you send me a "we don't know who you are remove us from your list" response?
That's incredibly mature. But, I get the message.
Consider me removed. I will not contact you again. Consider me dead and gone. If you no longer wish to be in contact with your only daughter, and you have pushed all my brothers from having contact with me, and have managed to manipulate all my family from having contact with me, than you shall reap what you sew. Do not ask me to come back. The answer, will be no.
I forgive you all for your transgressions. But I hope that you can one day forgive yourself.
Well, another abuse allegation from the little girl. You cannot possibly expect that a child this sheltered has made these allegations up. What does she know about sexual abuse? But, you think that she did? And when I sent you an email asking that you please communicate decently with her, that you respect her, and me, that you do not violate boundries, that you do not discourage her from communication, that you do not question her or interrogate the little boy, that you have some decency, you send me a "we don't know who you are remove us from your list" response?
That's incredibly mature. But, I get the message.
Consider me removed. I will not contact you again. Consider me dead and gone. If you no longer wish to be in contact with your only daughter, and you have pushed all my brothers from having contact with me, and have managed to manipulate all my family from having contact with me, than you shall reap what you sew. Do not ask me to come back. The answer, will be no.
I forgive you all for your transgressions. But I hope that you can one day forgive yourself.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Judge Each Day Not by The Harvest You Reap, But By the Seeds You Plant.
Today, I got divorced.
This day has been long in coming and I cannot believe that it is finally here. I have waited and waited, and that ass has kept pushing things off, fighting and pushing and pulling and waiting and waiting and making life as miserable as possible for me and the kids.
The judge cleaned his clock. Finally. Thousands of dollars wasted on useless things that could have been spent on other things, like the mortgage and utility bills and food for the kids... but at least it's over. Thank God.
I was named Primary and Residental parent for the children. Which is truly amazing, because S would be terrible for them. The little girl has been ill and he's been too busy doing whatever it is that he's been doing to take her to the doctor. The little boy has been ill for several weeks and he's been neglected by S for weeks. I've taken the kids to the doctor several times in the past weeks. I simply don't understand what S is thinking, but I know exactly who is doing the thinking for him.
I also dropped my maiden name entirely, my legal name is now just my married name. So many people have asked why I've chosen to do this.. and frankly, it's simply because the XXXX family has decided that they want nothing to do with me, and I'm happier not having anything to do with them. It works both ways.
I went to church this past Sunday and heard the most beautiful songs. I just don't get the whole Jesus thing, still. I hear a lot of contradictory messages in there, and when I listen to the teachings from the minister, I agree with a lot, especially from the Old Testament, but I don't agree with, nor do I understand the New Testament. I don't question or have questions on it either. I do hear a lot of messages in it that I don't want in my life, but I don't question.
I've said it before, and I will continue to say it, I was born Jewish, I will die Jewish, but I won't live Jewish right now. I don't like the religious community and I won't live by their standards.
Today, I got divorced.
This day has been long in coming and I cannot believe that it is finally here. I have waited and waited, and that ass has kept pushing things off, fighting and pushing and pulling and waiting and waiting and making life as miserable as possible for me and the kids.
The judge cleaned his clock. Finally. Thousands of dollars wasted on useless things that could have been spent on other things, like the mortgage and utility bills and food for the kids... but at least it's over. Thank God.
I was named Primary and Residental parent for the children. Which is truly amazing, because S would be terrible for them. The little girl has been ill and he's been too busy doing whatever it is that he's been doing to take her to the doctor. The little boy has been ill for several weeks and he's been neglected by S for weeks. I've taken the kids to the doctor several times in the past weeks. I simply don't understand what S is thinking, but I know exactly who is doing the thinking for him.
I also dropped my maiden name entirely, my legal name is now just my married name. So many people have asked why I've chosen to do this.. and frankly, it's simply because the XXXX family has decided that they want nothing to do with me, and I'm happier not having anything to do with them. It works both ways.
I went to church this past Sunday and heard the most beautiful songs. I just don't get the whole Jesus thing, still. I hear a lot of contradictory messages in there, and when I listen to the teachings from the minister, I agree with a lot, especially from the Old Testament, but I don't agree with, nor do I understand the New Testament. I don't question or have questions on it either. I do hear a lot of messages in it that I don't want in my life, but I don't question.
I've said it before, and I will continue to say it, I was born Jewish, I will die Jewish, but I won't live Jewish right now. I don't like the religious community and I won't live by their standards.
Monday
Dear God...
Dear God,
Please help me find my way. I'm lost, and I feel conflicted. I am torn in 100 different directions today. Today, I fell on my knees and prayed to you. I need you to help E find his way. He scared me today. I love him, and I am scared for him.
Today I found out that a friend lost a child. I called my children and listened to their voices. It did not comfort me.
Lord, Father, how do I know what is the right direction? How do I know where I am supposed to go? How am I supposed to know where You wish to lead me?
There is such tragedy in the world, in our world...
I have found happiness, and it is not in the path that I had thought You had originally led me, and yet, I am happy, I am content, and I am satisfied.
Yet, I am afraid for my dear heart, and my friend.
Dear Lord,
Please help my boat find his way. I need him.
Please help me find my way. I'm lost, and I feel conflicted. I am torn in 100 different directions today. Today, I fell on my knees and prayed to you. I need you to help E find his way. He scared me today. I love him, and I am scared for him.
Today I found out that a friend lost a child. I called my children and listened to their voices. It did not comfort me.
Lord, Father, how do I know what is the right direction? How do I know where I am supposed to go? How am I supposed to know where You wish to lead me?
There is such tragedy in the world, in our world...
I have found happiness, and it is not in the path that I had thought You had originally led me, and yet, I am happy, I am content, and I am satisfied.
Yet, I am afraid for my dear heart, and my friend.
Dear Lord,
Please help my boat find his way. I need him.
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