Dear Boat,
This is the first year that I have celebrated my birthday without you. I have to admit, I haven't stopped crying, and the pain, the sheer unadulterated pain, it hurts. I'm not sure why I cry. Do I cry because I miss you, or because I miss the silly things that you used to do that would always make me smile? Even if it it was just a temporary fix.
I feel like there is this big grieving hole in my soul. sto, we would justiff it with aima; poo and it woule be diced, mach and that I can't ever et it to go away. No matter how dark things were, you wouler always be there to make sure that there was a light there, somewhere. The light at the end of the tunnel seems to have gone out now.
May 17 will be one entire year since you've been gone. ONE WHOLE YEAR without you. I think back to those times, and it almost seems as though it was a dream. Where there should be feelings and pain and anger and grief, now, there is just numbness.
I want to share my joys and sorrows with you. I want to tell you what has been going on in my life and with the court. But I can't, because you're not here.
I'm not angry at you... I just wish I would have had the opportunity to tell you how I felt before you were taken...
Wednesday
Dear Family
Dear Family,
Another Pesach is coming. Most in my current circles are hesitant, perhaps unable to undertstand just how difficult this holiday is for me.
I have all these memories of my family, of my siblings and me, growing up together, singing while we worked in the kitchen. The memories of me growing up aren't all good, but a lot of them were.
I went to pick up some items from The Mrs.' L and M and it's uncanny how much their homes smell like home. Chicken soup, potato kugel, cakes, regardless of when I enter these homes, I am always and consistently welcomed with open arms, without judgement, and without my fear of being kicked out. One of the Mrs.' grabbed me and hugged me. It has been too long since I've seen her. Most people cannot understand what it is that I am going through. I suspect that it takes adversity to build humblness, and thse women have humility in spades.
I realize that I have erred in how long it's been since I've written. A lot has occurred in the family while I've gone. Life has moved on, with or without me. If my children were not such a part of your lives, chances are you would have long ago moved on without a single memory of me. As it is, I'm aware that all my pictures are gone from the walls, that my childhood bedroom has been redecorated, and that there is a slow progression of the removal of "me" from the lives of everyone in the community and family who has ever known me. I have become an afterthought.
Another Pesach is coming. Most in my current circles are hesitant, perhaps unable to undertstand just how difficult this holiday is for me.
I have all these memories of my family, of my siblings and me, growing up together, singing while we worked in the kitchen. The memories of me growing up aren't all good, but a lot of them were.
I went to pick up some items from The Mrs.' L and M and it's uncanny how much their homes smell like home. Chicken soup, potato kugel, cakes, regardless of when I enter these homes, I am always and consistently welcomed with open arms, without judgement, and without my fear of being kicked out. One of the Mrs.' grabbed me and hugged me. It has been too long since I've seen her. Most people cannot understand what it is that I am going through. I suspect that it takes adversity to build humblness, and thse women have humility in spades.
I realize that I have erred in how long it's been since I've written. A lot has occurred in the family while I've gone. Life has moved on, with or without me. If my children were not such a part of your lives, chances are you would have long ago moved on without a single memory of me. As it is, I'm aware that all my pictures are gone from the walls, that my childhood bedroom has been redecorated, and that there is a slow progression of the removal of "me" from the lives of everyone in the community and family who has ever known me. I have become an afterthought.
Grief Ritual. Dear Family...
Grief Ritual
'Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge on someone, on God if they can't find anyone else. But in Africa, in Matobo, the Ku believe that the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning ends with a ritual that we call the Drowning Man Trial. There's an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat. He's taken out on the water and he's dropped. He's bound so that he can't swim. The family of the dead then has to make a choice. They can let him drown or they can swim out and save him. The Ku believe that if the family lets the killer drown, they'll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn't always just... that very act can take away their sorrow.'
'Everyone who loses somebody wants revenge on someone, on God if they can't find anyone else. But in Africa, in Matobo, the Ku believe that the only way to end grief is to save a life. If someone is murdered, a year of mourning ends with a ritual that we call the Drowning Man Trial. There's an all-night party beside a river. At dawn, the killer is put in a boat. He's taken out on the water and he's dropped. He's bound so that he can't swim. The family of the dead then has to make a choice. They can let him drown or they can swim out and save him. The Ku believe that if the family lets the killer drown, they'll have justice but spend the rest of their lives in mourning. But if they save him, if they admit that life isn't always just... that very act can take away their sorrow.'
Monday
Dear God
Dear God,
People ask me why I am angry at you. They assume that I have left frumkeit because I must be angry with you.
I'm not.
I am so filled with anger and hate towards people though. I hate your creations. I hate people. I hate everyone.
I am not angry with you, except for one thing. You took my Boat from me. The one person who understood a little of what I was going through.
Scott said that he didn't want to leave, but that it was just his time to go. I asked him, was that really Boat under that mound of dirt. He said no, that Boat had already left... but seeing his name by the grave, was so odd. And, it's even stranger not seeing him outside. You took from me everything else. I have nothing left. My friends, family, house, job, and even my health. All gone. For that, I'm not angry. But for my Boat? A barnacle will die without its boat. So where do I go from here?
I feel so alone, as though drifting. I have no idea what to do next? Betrayal does not seem to come close to the emotions I feel. The little girl is angry because her beloved cats will not come with us when we move. I am sad because I had to hurt the little ones again. I don't know what, or where, or when the next sad move will take place. What else will these children have to lose?
Will it be me? The mini stroke was a sign. I know. But I don't know when my own death will come, though I am sure it will be sooner rather than later. I should be preparing, though I don't even know where to begin. So, I continue to move on.
The goal was to live to see forty. Will I make that goal? Boat had promised me another 28 years. He could never have known that was not going to happen. I guess none of us do.
People ask me why I am angry at you. They assume that I have left frumkeit because I must be angry with you.
I'm not.
I am so filled with anger and hate towards people though. I hate your creations. I hate people. I hate everyone.
I am not angry with you, except for one thing. You took my Boat from me. The one person who understood a little of what I was going through.
Scott said that he didn't want to leave, but that it was just his time to go. I asked him, was that really Boat under that mound of dirt. He said no, that Boat had already left... but seeing his name by the grave, was so odd. And, it's even stranger not seeing him outside. You took from me everything else. I have nothing left. My friends, family, house, job, and even my health. All gone. For that, I'm not angry. But for my Boat? A barnacle will die without its boat. So where do I go from here?
I feel so alone, as though drifting. I have no idea what to do next? Betrayal does not seem to come close to the emotions I feel. The little girl is angry because her beloved cats will not come with us when we move. I am sad because I had to hurt the little ones again. I don't know what, or where, or when the next sad move will take place. What else will these children have to lose?
Will it be me? The mini stroke was a sign. I know. But I don't know when my own death will come, though I am sure it will be sooner rather than later. I should be preparing, though I don't even know where to begin. So, I continue to move on.
The goal was to live to see forty. Will I make that goal? Boat had promised me another 28 years. He could never have known that was not going to happen. I guess none of us do.
Dear Boat
Dear Boat,
It's very strange.. writing to you, knowing that you aren't going to read this.
I went to your grave yesterday to say goodbye. I got halfway to the site before I started to break down. Seeing that mound of dirt, and knowing that your body was underneath it.. I couldn't take it. I put the rocks at your head.. and then sat down at your feet and started talking.
But it wasn't the same. You weren't THERE. It didn't feel the same, you weren't there to shake your head at me, when I told you I wanted to give up, and that I just didn't feel right being there...I kept waiting for someone to come kick me out and tell me that I didn't belong there.
I had a mini-stroke on Friday night. In all our conversations, we were never sure which one of us was going to go first. You won that argument... I'm not so sure that I am too far behind. It's a very scary thought.
I wonder if or when I go, where I am going to go. I feel as though I have experienced my hell here on earth, but that does not mean I am not going to be required to go through hell again. Where are you? Is it terrible? How come you haven't stopped in to visit?
I was so angry at you when you died. I know that it wasn't your choice, but I wish I could have said good bye, and I am so frustrated that I did not get that option.
I miss you.
It's very strange.. writing to you, knowing that you aren't going to read this.
I went to your grave yesterday to say goodbye. I got halfway to the site before I started to break down. Seeing that mound of dirt, and knowing that your body was underneath it.. I couldn't take it. I put the rocks at your head.. and then sat down at your feet and started talking.
But it wasn't the same. You weren't THERE. It didn't feel the same, you weren't there to shake your head at me, when I told you I wanted to give up, and that I just didn't feel right being there...I kept waiting for someone to come kick me out and tell me that I didn't belong there.
I had a mini-stroke on Friday night. In all our conversations, we were never sure which one of us was going to go first. You won that argument... I'm not so sure that I am too far behind. It's a very scary thought.
I wonder if or when I go, where I am going to go. I feel as though I have experienced my hell here on earth, but that does not mean I am not going to be required to go through hell again. Where are you? Is it terrible? How come you haven't stopped in to visit?
I was so angry at you when you died. I know that it wasn't your choice, but I wish I could have said good bye, and I am so frustrated that I did not get that option.
I miss you.
Wednesday
Still Grieving...
I feel like I will cry forever..
Is it weird that I'm crying more for you than I have for anyone else?
Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus (first time substitute
"strength" for "love" and
"saved" for "changed"):
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Mmmmm... (I'll remember)
Mmmmm...
chorus
Is it weird that I'm crying more for you than I have for anyone else?
Mmmm, mmmm
Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
Chorus (first time substitute
"strength" for "love" and
"saved" for "changed"):
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
I learned to let go of the
illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go, I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember (I'll remember)
Mmmmm... (I'll remember)
Mmmmm...
chorus
Friday
Dearest Boat...again
Good bye...i cant believe im saying goodbye to you. To have gotten a text finding out that you had been taken to the hospital...to not have had the opportunity to say goodbyen to hold your hand and be there as you promised. You promised me 30 years of friendship together, and when you got sick you promised that you would keep fighting because we had 28 years left... damn it... I have 28 years left on that promise...You died and what do I do now? I know I am being stupid and selfish and angry, but your funeral was today and I coul not go. My friend...what do I do without you? I think it is time for me to leave the city. Without you here, there is no reason to stay. I swore I would always be there for you, and you half didn't believe me...but I stayed, and now you're gone and I am completely alone.Good bye Boat. Rest In Peace.
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