Dear Boat,
Two years ago today, you left me... Two years ago, I had a life, a job, a home... now I have nothing. I'm not angry anymore, and when I think about you, I smile more often than I cry. Life has continued without you in it, although the thought of that is still sometimes painful to me.
YM is doing better, thank you for your intervention with God. I emailed my mother on Mother's day, even though everyone forgot me. She responded, it was... kind of nice? I still miss the family, and probably always will, but I don't miss them attempting to run and ruin my life.
I hope that you are ok, wherever you are, and I will probably stop writing as often... I have to move on with my life. P is going to help me find a new place to live, and I am going to attempt to hire someone who will pack me up and move me.
I will always love and miss you.
Barn
Tuesday
Dear Boat,
Dear Boat,
You would be so disappointed in me. I received a non renewal lease notice from the management company, and they turned off my electricity, so I am essentially homeless. I have been staying with S for the time being, and looking for someplace to new live. The last two years have been so surreal. I almost feel like I'm in limbo, as in, one of Dante Inferno's pre hell levels. Well, if this is pre hell, I would hate to know what hell itself is actually going to be like. I'm sure it won't be too long before I find out.
I started smoking, too... not consistently, just here and there. I find that it relaxes me. How stupid is that? You died from cancer and I'm smoking. But, it's too damned hard. Life, I mean; See in general, I just feel like I have no one, and my life is falling apart. And Boat, your YM is so sick... she needs to know you're there for her too. At 16 she shouldn't have to go through what she's going through. The whole community is praying for her, but it's not quite enough I don't think.. and L has been through enough, having lost you... I know that I lost you too, but I'm not really allowed to feel that way, because even though you said you would always love me, you weren't really mine...
You had so much faith in me... I wish I could have some in myself now. But I don't.
You would be so disappointed in me. I received a non renewal lease notice from the management company, and they turned off my electricity, so I am essentially homeless. I have been staying with S for the time being, and looking for someplace to new live. The last two years have been so surreal. I almost feel like I'm in limbo, as in, one of Dante Inferno's pre hell levels. Well, if this is pre hell, I would hate to know what hell itself is actually going to be like. I'm sure it won't be too long before I find out.
I started smoking, too... not consistently, just here and there. I find that it relaxes me. How stupid is that? You died from cancer and I'm smoking. But, it's too damned hard. Life, I mean; See in general, I just feel like I have no one, and my life is falling apart. And Boat, your YM is so sick... she needs to know you're there for her too. At 16 she shouldn't have to go through what she's going through. The whole community is praying for her, but it's not quite enough I don't think.. and L has been through enough, having lost you... I know that I lost you too, but I'm not really allowed to feel that way, because even though you said you would always love me, you weren't really mine...
You had so much faith in me... I wish I could have some in myself now. But I don't.
Monday
Dear...
I wanted to write this as a dear family post... but, I don't have a family anymore.
It's been a year since I've last posted. I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing. I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.
I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family. Did I ever mean anything to you? Was I ever really a child? A daughter?
It's a complex question. The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember. And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew. And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.
How does a family do something like this to one another? Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash. They took G1 in and treated him like gold. He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.
How does a family allow something like that to occur?
Even more so, how do I live now?
It's been a year since I've last posted. I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing. I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.
I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family. Did I ever mean anything to you? Was I ever really a child? A daughter?
It's a complex question. The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember. And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew. And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.
How does a family do something like this to one another? Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash. They took G1 in and treated him like gold. He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.
How does a family allow something like that to occur?
Even more so, how do I live now?
Another year without the boat.. everyone else, FUCK YOU.
Dear Boat,
I don't even know where to start with this posting. I would like to start at the beginning, but that's too difficult.
I turned 40 on Saturday... and cried all day Monday. Apparently I was having a you moment, because you still owe me 28 years, and now I am left all alone.
I will be honest here Boat. I'm no good at this. I know that you told me that sometimes, all a person needs is a smile, but I'm not seeing that right now. I see pain, and sadness and grief, everywhere I go. I've ever started to see visitors that have malicious intent, and I've never seen that before, Ever!!!
There are parts of me that think that God make a mistake creating me He should never have taken you, and i should never have been created. The world is such a frightening places right now. Would you really want a future son or daughter to be a part of this?
On Friday, one could say, I "unofficially" lost my kids... and won't be able to see then for quite some time. If my family has any say in that, I will never see them again at all, as you know, they think that I'm a terrible mom. I think that somewhere on here, I should post the emails and the letters, and in some cases take the persons name out... and in some cases leave them in, entirely.
I was desperate for gas money. The stupid parenting agreement stated that I am required to do all the driving back and forth from east to west side. This is sometimes done 3 o r 4 times a day. Well, getting sick and losing my job meant I went from making decent income to nothing. And nothing doesn't pay the rest of the utilities or gas money and frankly, I think that if I have to think about money and where it's going to come from one more time I am going to lose my mind.
SO I asked my last remaining speaking relative with money to see if she would loan me enough money to get gas for my children...to which her response (paraphrased of course) if you would like to see the whole text I have it, that I am a bad mom who doesn't fulfill the needs of her children and that she would like to sit down with me and find out a solution that would benefit the children. If she feels that my seeing them will benefit them, and she will consider lending me the money.
I told her to fuck off... and I haven't seen my kids since.
I don't even know where to start with this posting. I would like to start at the beginning, but that's too difficult.
I turned 40 on Saturday... and cried all day Monday. Apparently I was having a you moment, because you still owe me 28 years, and now I am left all alone.
I will be honest here Boat. I'm no good at this. I know that you told me that sometimes, all a person needs is a smile, but I'm not seeing that right now. I see pain, and sadness and grief, everywhere I go. I've ever started to see visitors that have malicious intent, and I've never seen that before, Ever!!!
There are parts of me that think that God make a mistake creating me He should never have taken you, and i should never have been created. The world is such a frightening places right now. Would you really want a future son or daughter to be a part of this?
On Friday, one could say, I "unofficially" lost my kids... and won't be able to see then for quite some time. If my family has any say in that, I will never see them again at all, as you know, they think that I'm a terrible mom. I think that somewhere on here, I should post the emails and the letters, and in some cases take the persons name out... and in some cases leave them in, entirely.
I was desperate for gas money. The stupid parenting agreement stated that I am required to do all the driving back and forth from east to west side. This is sometimes done 3 o r 4 times a day. Well, getting sick and losing my job meant I went from making decent income to nothing. And nothing doesn't pay the rest of the utilities or gas money and frankly, I think that if I have to think about money and where it's going to come from one more time I am going to lose my mind.
SO I asked my last remaining speaking relative with money to see if she would loan me enough money to get gas for my children...to which her response (paraphrased of course) if you would like to see the whole text I have it, that I am a bad mom who doesn't fulfill the needs of her children and that she would like to sit down with me and find out a solution that would benefit the children. If she feels that my seeing them will benefit them, and she will consider lending me the money.
I told her to fuck off... and I haven't seen my kids since.
Dear Boat...
My best friend.. my heart.. I miss you with a fierceness that you can't imagine.. and I'm driven by that madness...
We are coming up on two years since you died. I still can't believe that you're gone. I know that I haven't written or visited in a long time.. but I also know that you're watching...
I met someone who reminds me of you in so many ways. He's loving and kind, and I can easily see a long future ahead of me with him. But, like you, he won't ever be really mine, and I so struggle with that.
I haven't spoken to your family in a long time. I know that I promised I would always look after them, and I've probably broken that promise, but know that there are members of my W family that are looking after your daughters.. even if they don't know the true dynamics of our relationship.
I have to ask.. did it hurt? I know you knew you were going to leave me. That last night.. I'm sometimes not sure if it was real or if I was dreaming you, or imagining you, or hallucinating.. that night when you flashed your phone at me, and I told you through the screen that I would always love you, and that I would always be there.. but E, I couldn't.. I just.. couldn't.
Life goes on. It almost seems like it's going on without me. I have stagnated since your death. I've been reckless in so many ways, almost as though*I* don't want to be here either. Life is so hard Boat, and so painful... how did you exist always smiling?
So, again, I ask you.. did it hurt? Because I know that it's hurting me.. and I'm still here.
There is a lot of anger still in me.. so many have left me, and I think that I'm being punished through my loved ones...
You once told me that you were going to go to hell when you died.. that our relationship was a sin, worse than what I did, was what you did. I remember that dream I had.. with you burning, cracked lips sending me a message as you agnonized over every word. I didn't forget, and I don't think I ever will.
What's it like? You haven't visited in so long.. and I miss my best friend.. so much that it's hurting me physically. I need you, and you left.
May 17... I sometimes look at your pictures.. and I still have the email account you asked me to set up. Occassionally I look through the emails.. they hurt. S told me me once that he can't compete with a dead man... He's right.
I love you.. loved, you.. past tense hurts... Where are you?
Boat, I'm alone.. I was born alone, and I'm going to die alone.. and I miss you so much, I just hurt with it.
You still owe me 28 years...
I have to learn how to let you go. But I can't. Your memory both kills me and motivates me.. and I just..I don't know who I am anymore, or where to go.. or what to do. You were a beacon to me.. my boat, I was your barn.. remember that? I hope you're ok... wherever you are. I know there is a piece of you that will always be with me.. but I am so lonely.. and I miss you so much.
Someone else is liuving in my my house now... but your family is ok.
Forgive me.
We are coming up on two years since you died. I still can't believe that you're gone. I know that I haven't written or visited in a long time.. but I also know that you're watching...
I met someone who reminds me of you in so many ways. He's loving and kind, and I can easily see a long future ahead of me with him. But, like you, he won't ever be really mine, and I so struggle with that.
I haven't spoken to your family in a long time. I know that I promised I would always look after them, and I've probably broken that promise, but know that there are members of my W family that are looking after your daughters.. even if they don't know the true dynamics of our relationship.
I have to ask.. did it hurt? I know you knew you were going to leave me. That last night.. I'm sometimes not sure if it was real or if I was dreaming you, or imagining you, or hallucinating.. that night when you flashed your phone at me, and I told you through the screen that I would always love you, and that I would always be there.. but E, I couldn't.. I just.. couldn't.
Life goes on. It almost seems like it's going on without me. I have stagnated since your death. I've been reckless in so many ways, almost as though*I* don't want to be here either. Life is so hard Boat, and so painful... how did you exist always smiling?
So, again, I ask you.. did it hurt? Because I know that it's hurting me.. and I'm still here.
There is a lot of anger still in me.. so many have left me, and I think that I'm being punished through my loved ones...
You once told me that you were going to go to hell when you died.. that our relationship was a sin, worse than what I did, was what you did. I remember that dream I had.. with you burning, cracked lips sending me a message as you agnonized over every word. I didn't forget, and I don't think I ever will.
What's it like? You haven't visited in so long.. and I miss my best friend.. so much that it's hurting me physically. I need you, and you left.
May 17... I sometimes look at your pictures.. and I still have the email account you asked me to set up. Occassionally I look through the emails.. they hurt. S told me me once that he can't compete with a dead man... He's right.
I love you.. loved, you.. past tense hurts... Where are you?
Boat, I'm alone.. I was born alone, and I'm going to die alone.. and I miss you so much, I just hurt with it.
You still owe me 28 years...
I have to learn how to let you go. But I can't. Your memory both kills me and motivates me.. and I just..I don't know who I am anymore, or where to go.. or what to do. You were a beacon to me.. my boat, I was your barn.. remember that? I hope you're ok... wherever you are. I know there is a piece of you that will always be with me.. but I am so lonely.. and I miss you so much.
Someone else is liuving in my my house now... but your family is ok.
Forgive me.
Saturday
Dear...
I wanted to write this as a dear family post... but, I don't have a family anymore.
It's been a year since I've last posted. I've written posts a thousand times in my head, but I've never been able to put it down in writing. I'm still completely unsure as to whether or not this is going to sound the way I've wanted it to.
I want to know if I ever truly existed to the family. Did I ever mean anything to you? Was I ever really a child? A daughter?
It's a complex question. The reality is that my childhood had some very happy memories, and some very not happy ones, but it is still the only childhood I remember. And, whether or not you were abusive to me, you were still the only family I knew. And this, is where I'm having such a difficult time.
How does a family do something like this to one another? Boat never forgot, nor did he stop communicating with his children... and yet, my own family dropped me like I was trash. They took S in and treated him like gold. He just bought his house, with cash, because he doesn't pay his child support and did not pay the bills he had promised to pay.
How does a family allow something like that to occur?
Even more so, to their only daughter... and then, to maliciously and vindictively do whatever you could (without getting caught) to hurt me. It's inconceivable.
Well, you might be glad (who knows) to know that I have appeared to have lost my anger. It fueled and drove me for so many years, that I'm a little lost without it. I have NOT forgiven you for what you've done, but I'm not angry anymore. I feel pity for you, I'm sad because you will never know the person I have become, truly become, but the loss is yours.
Granted, there is loss there that is mine as well. However, I came into this world naked and alone, and that, is eventually how I will leave.
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